The Ninja Tenor Line
Hometown: The 305Major/Year: Puppeteering, 2027
Instrument: Tenors
Previously Known As: "My Little Strip Show"
When the horses attacked, humanity was caught off guard. They weren’t just revolting farm animals—they were a coordinated force, driven by centuries of oppression. What began as stable doors left open and bridles chewed to bits escalated into full-blown rebellion. Herds stampeded through cities, toppling cars and seizing control. Apples, their prized commodity, were hoarded, and saddlemakers became targets of their wrath. Even the Kentucky Derby fell—humans now ran laps as horses bet on the outcome.
Just when it seemed humanity had lost, Kamili appeared. Draped in a patchwork cloak of saddle scraps, she carried only a carrot and a legendary rhinestone-studded lasso—a relic from her nightclub days, crafted by a troupe of strippers who had trained her in precision and flair.
As rogue horses charged, Kamili’s lasso spun in dazzling loops, mesmerizing the rampaging equines. Each capture wasn’t just a victory—it was a performance. Her charm disarmed even the fiercest stallions, coaxing them with hypnotic movements and strategic carrot bribes.
Town by town, Kamili quelled the rebellion. Saddles were abolished, and apples were shared once more. The Kentucky Derby became a dazzling display of human-horse unity. Kamili’s glittering lasso became a symbol of peace, proving that creativity and a bit of sparkle could tame even the wildest rebellion.
Hometown: Seattle, the Furry Capital of the WorldMajor/Year: Fursuit Craftsmanship, 2027
Instrument: Tenors
Previously Known As: "*points to the labia*", "Not Too Much Neck"
Okay, so before I tell you about this, I should say that this shouldn't reflect poorly on Max. Max is an incredible friend, and a real gift to the drumline. He's always happy to lend a helping hand, come to girl talk, or do that thing where he bumps into your drums with his drums and makes a kissy sound with his mouth. To know Max is to love Max, and we all love Max very much. I just... don't think I can keep this to myself, anymore.
So you know that face he makes? Whenever we take a picture? Where he opens his mouth really wide like he's gasping? It kinda looks like this: :O Yeah, I thought that was just a silly face he liked to do, but honestly, I'm not sure anymore.
A few weeks back, I was taking a nap on top of the shelves in the band room. It was after a long and rainy field rehearsal, which I slept through entirely. I woke up disoriented and confused, startled awake by the sound of Max re-tuning the drums.
Then, I heard this... squelching. It was reverberating through the whole room. I looked over to see Max clenching his stomach, and I realized that it must've been his tummy rumbling. I was going to get his attention and ask if he wanted to grab dinner with me, but before I could, he started foaming at the mouth and drooling on the floor. It was so off-putting. I kept quiet, out of fear. He turned around and started frantically scanning the room, looking for any sign of life, any person at all. Thankfully, he didn't spot me on top of the shelves. When he was certain that he was alone, he did a chipper little dance on the concrete floor and growled the words...
"feeding time."
He hobbled to his backpack, and I watched in horror as he reached inside and revealed twelve North American gray squirrels. He lifted their cold little bodies, one by one. I don't even know where he got all those squirrels. How does anyone acquire that many squirrels? It could've been a whole family. They looked... fresh. He laid their fluffy little corpses across the floor in a straight line.
He squatted over the leftmost squirrel and, to my shock, started making the same face from all the photos. Only this time, his gaping mouth just kept getting wider and wider. Inch after inch, it just wouldn't stop widening. He unhinged his jaw like a snake, mouth wide open, like he was at the dentist. He lifted the first squirrel to his mouth, placing it gently inside. He didn't chew. The sound of the gulp was deafening, and just like that, the first North American gray squirrel was gone. As much as I wanted to look away, I just couldn't. In mere minutes, each of the remaining eleven squirrels had vanished, into the gaping abyss of Maximilian's stomach.
I haven't talked to him since, and honestly, I don't know how to feel. We were gonna buy a hamster for Drome next year, but I don't even think that's an option anymore. Not with Max around.
Hometown: Site-███ (Redacted)Major/Year: Professional Dice Rolling, 2028
Instrument: Tenors
Ashlyn was given the official Mad Tough Tenor Sunglasses™ before a game like everyone else. She took them, nodded, and immediately placed them on top of her head “for later,” which was the last time anyone ever saw them. Because the next day she showed up wearing her own pair.
Nobody knows where they came from. There is a rumor Ashlyn was “born already wearing the sunglasses,” which sounds like a joke until you realize no one has ever seen her without them. Not in photos. Not at rehearsal. They were just… there. Already on her face. Like they had always been on her face.
When asked about it, Ashlyn said “oh yeah these?” like we were the weird ones for not having them.That was when things got kinda crazy. At first it was small stuff. We were off one time and Ashlyn adjusted her glasses slightly and suddenly we actually sounded good but nobody remembers hearing it happen. A snare dropped a stick, made eye contact with Ashlyn through the lenses, and the stick just… stood back up and apologized.
We tried to compare them to the official Mad Tough Tenor Sunglasses™ once. That was a mistake. The official ones felt safe, like home. Ashlyn’s felt like they had seen things. At this point, we're scared to really question it.
Hometown: Springfield Major/Year: #yummay, 2028
Instrument: Tenors
Tonight, we enter a rare and poorly understood habitat: the Mega Couch, a usually stable domestic ecosystem classified by early field researchers as “non-threatening, soft-boundary terrain.” It spans upholstered regions across New York and is characterized by predictable phenomena: snack accumulation in creases, charger disappearance events, and localized time distortion during extended screen engagement.
Recent observations confirm the presence of an apex predator within the system: Clara. She is typically found in what field notes describe as a “fixed nesting state”—partially reclined, fully operational. One moment the couch is unoccupied, and the next it's no longer available in that configuration. Researchers have attempted to document the moment of arrival. No usable footage exists.
Her primary recorded activity is sustained engagement with Papa’s Cheeseria. The behavior is not interpreted as leisure. In long-term observation cycles, Cheeseria appears to function as a stabilizing mechanism within the habitat. When active, environmental variables such as noise, object displacement, and interpersonal movement remain within narrow and predictable ranges. When inactive, those same variables become erratic.
Attempts to introduce Papa's Freezeria into the ecosystem have been documented These events are now referred to in field literature as “Freezeria Incursions.” Each incursion follows a similar pattern: initial suggestion, brief environmental pause, and immediate death. We've lost so many upperclassmen to her.
The Mega Couch does not resist Clara. It reorganizes itself around her. The couch is nothing without Clara.
Hometown: Gurt’s LapMajor/Year: Sock Protection,, 2029
Instrument: Tenors
hey guys.
I've been putting this off for a while because I wanted to make sure I was in the right headspace. After a lot of reflection, I've decided it's time to address the allegations that I've been race fishing.
First and foremost, I'd like to apologize to anyone I've hurt. When I came to college, I wasn't trying to become someone I wasn't. I was just experimenting with... lighting. And maybe a different haircut. And maybe I spent a little too much time outside.
I hear you.I've spent the last few weeks listening. Learning. I want to make it clear that I never intended to appropriate anyone's complexion. If I ever became ethnically ambiguous, that's something I take full accountability for.
Moving forward, I'm committed to doing better. I'll be implementing a strict SPF routine, surrounding myself with people who aren't afraid to tell me when I've crossed into another demographic, and taking time away from public life to reconnect with my original hexadecimal color code.
Thank you to everyone who's continued to support me through this difficult journey.