The Badass Bass Line
Major/Year: Meat-eater-ology, 2019
Previously Known As: "If It's Brown, Flush It Down", "It MIGHT Rain Today"
My friends call me Super Meat Boy. Why is that you ask? BECAUSE I LOVE MEAT. Steak, chicken, pork, ass, veal, hamburgers, all of it. I’m a barber by trade now, but I really want to just get enough money to focus my life entirely on cooking and consuming meat. Want to hear my favorite recipe for gourmet pizza? Take a pizza. Add pepperoni. Add sausage. Add meatballs. Add chopped meat. Add eggs. Add ham cubes. BOOM meatzza. Nothing quite like getting the meat sweats after eating an entire meatzza. I also have a great recipe for steak. Barbeque the steak. Make a nice thick chicken gravy. Drizzle that over your steak, liberally. Sprinkle some bacon bits over that. Serve over baby back ribs. Every Thanksgiving I eat an entire Turducken by myself. I literally bleed gravy. Try me. I don’t even know what a broccoli is. Be careful, if I’m ever alone with you in a room and I’m hungry, I’m going to very quickly be alone by myself in a room, and full. But don’t let that worry you! I love cooking, you should totally come over to my place and let me cook for you sometimes! I have this really good recipe for meat pies going on.
Major/Year: Marine Biology, 2019
Previously Known As: "And Josh", "Anti-Santa"
A Long Islander once joined the band
And his addition was carefully planned.
To conform with convention,
And with best of intentions
Basses are only from New York land.
He claims that he'd only played strings
And not any of those bangy things,
But he's picked it up fast
And he's having a blast
Oh it's great skill that he brings!
This man was carried down to the lake
So that he could be thrown in a lake.
We all chanted "Lake!"
And walked to the lake,
So now his new name is Lake.
He knows how to get a great deal
And he treats this skill with great zeal.
He'll get you a sign
And it won't cost a dime,
But now we chant "Everybody Steal!"
Here's a fact hardly anyone knows
A part of his life that actually blows.
About which he may lie,
Dance about or deny.
He has one more than ten toes.
Now he was known as a very great sage
By his words people's life they would gauge
When asked what he'd say
He claimed "Today's like any day
It's gonna suck."
Major/Year: Bowling Industry Management, 2019
Previously Known As: "Quarter Goal MVP"
Let me tell you about my favorite cow, Blubberella. You might not guess this, but we're actually fraternal twins. Shortly after we were born, Blubberella was visited by a magical unicorn. The unicorn farted on her, and thus bequethed her with polka dots, special powers, and a magical mullet, while turning her into a cow. My darling cow is known worldwide for her stunning polka dots, but few people actually know that she sweats Gatorade™ out of those colorful oases. Oh how I love to slurp Gatorade™ off of her moist hair.
Blubberella's special traits are not limited to thirst quenching sweat. She is also blessed with the power of untippability. All the local tough guys have tried to push her over, and all have failed. In a tragic turn of events, Blubberella bit one of the tough guys, and he has been bleeding skittles ever since.
Finally, Blubberella's most impressive feature is her hypnotic mullet. She combs her mullet on a minutely basis, and burns through 1024 combs every day. The combs typically run away after several uses, knowing that they will never be able to handle the sheer glory of the mullet. The mullet is responsible for history as you know it. The invention of the wheel, the transcontintental railroad, and Michael Jackson are all products of the mullet's power. The Illuminati may control the world, but the mullet controls the Illuminati. The mullet is love, the mullet is life, all hail the mullet.
That is the story of my twin and my best friend, Blubberella.
Major/Year: Operations Research and Engineering, 2019
This is a picture of me fresh out of the womb of my mother. That’s right, my mother is a bull. It can be a little difficult having an eight foot tall bronze bovine beast as a mother. Especially considering she is a bull. Don’t ask. When I was younger, visiting places was always fun. There was that one time we vacationed to China.... I don’t think we’ll ever be allowed back into that one shop. She’s super excited that I’m going to be playing for the Big Red. I’m a little afraid though. The last time I was on a team with red jerseys, she gored eleven people. Heh. Gored. Go Red. Except totally don’t, you WILL be gored.
Major/Year: Engineering, 2021
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I studied, weak and weary, Over the cacophony of my roommate’s dreadful snore— While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my dorm room door. “’Tis some drunkard,” I muttered, “tapping at my dorm room door— Only this and nothing more.” Back to my hard studies turning, all my soul within me burning, Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before. “Surely,” said I, “surely that is someone in the outside hallway; Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore— Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;— ’Tis the RA and nothing more!” Open here I flung the door, when, with many a flirt and flutter, In there stepped a stately drummer of the litter days of yore; Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he; But, with mien of lord or lady, stood within my chamber door— Stood with readied bass drum just within my chamber door— Stood, and stared, and nothing more. Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor. “Wretch,” I cried, “thy God hath lent thee—by these angels he hath sent thee To distract me from my studies and cast my grades onto the floor; Cease, oh cease this cruel distraction, let me study as before!” Quoth the Drummer, “Nevermore.” And the drumming never left me, and from my sleep it did theft me, All due to that dear drummer who burst through my dorm room door; And his eyes had all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming, And the lamp-light o’er him streaming threw his shadow on the floor; My GPA from that shadow that lies floating on the floor Shall be lifted—nevermore!
Major/Year: ILR, 2021
Previously Known As: "I Miss My Codine"
These tarts are made for poppin As much as ass is made for chompin I came to drumline for some bangin Oh please don’t leave me hangin My home is the theater What am I doing oh dear
Major/Year: ILR, 2021
Marching in Cornell on a Snowy Morning
Whose drum this was I think I know.
They’ve long since graduated, though;
They will not hear me playing here
Keeping the beat with rhythmic blow.
My folks back home must think it queer
That I should join the drumline here
Far above a frozen lake
Where winter lasts almost a year.
I give the thermostat a shake
To see if there’s been some mistake.
Outside the snow is piled deep
And wiser men are not awake.
The slope is icy, tall, and steep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to march before I sleep,
And miles to march before I sleep.
Major/Year: Arts & Snobbery, 2022
Does Marissa Gailitis is Bass Drum?
Marissa Gailitis is bass drum is the most discussed in the band in the few years ago. Even it has happened in 2018, but some of the band still curious about what is exactly happening and to be the reason there is a rumor comes out about her drum. At that time she became the massive listserv rumor. The Cornell, especially her friends are shocked. She just came out with her bad rumor which is spread massively. This time is not about her college experience, but her bad rumor. The rumor is out of standardize of hoax, according the last reported this Cornell revealed herself as drummer. Do you still believe or not, this rumor is really much talked by people even in a person of her friends.
This rumor comes out to the public and to be sub news topic in the Denice A. Cassaro Community Connection. According to a Daily Sun report, she makes the confession that she is a bass drum. Believe or not, but at this time she said that confession, it was Sunday, 1st April which is called as April mob or April fool’s day. At that moment she also talked well that she did not make a joke.
She just said that “The timing is bad, I had not realized that it was April mob, but it has been pointed out, of myself, I do not want to go too public with this”, as mentioned in Daily Sun report she just said. The word of two public makes some people curios in the major, she was incredibly sad and ashamed of her confession. She is a talented academic and arts major, but everything can be ruined rapidly with the rumor that Marissa Gailitis is Bass Drum.
ZOZZ is already smashed with the rumor which is hung on their mind. The rumor became the trending topic on Groupme at that time. Especially trumpet friends, they are really disappointed of her confession of drum.
However, everything goes well, as normal as the first time because she came back with her new confession that the rumor was a lie. In fact, Marissa Gailitis is success to tricked lots of people and made her as the trending topic for campus. Marissa Gailitis is bass drum is just a hoax.
If it is happening for real and Marissa Gailitis is bass drum for sure, her grades might be terrible in the future. Unfortunately, the professors are already criticized in the media that give a confession as a bass drum in her bright academic career is a big fault and to be a bass drum is a bad thing to be exposed in the media.
In fact, she is not a bass drum and she admires silence as the beautiful thing in the world. Now, everything is clear enough that this is not true about Marissa Gailitis is bass drum.
Major/Year: Scotland, 2022
Once upon a time I was walking the streets of New York City- a little known city not far from where I grew up. I was only four, however I had been taught that as long as I didn’t talk to strangers and kept my money in my inside pocket I would be fine. So I took to the streets, looking for my chance to make it in the big city and for reasonably priced street food. I was walking down 32nd street when I was called down by a man. He was scruffy, with popping eyes but a sincere smile. He looked kinda messy but I was not one to judge on first sight. This was when I broke my first rule. He called me over, asked if I had any spare change. This was when I broke my second rule. I reached into my inside pocket and pulled out the fifty dollars I had been given for a my ride home.
I gave him half, knowing I wouldn’t need it all. Upon extending my hand he grabbed me and pulled me close. He said “Never change, TJ, always be this way. Always.” He laid a scratchy fatherly kiss upon my forehead (not weird) and let me go. It wasn’t until I had exited the ally that I had realized my other $25 was gone. Eh, he probably needed it more anyways.
This is the true story of how I met Bernie Sanders.