The Badass Bass Line
Hometown: Drome Corner Couch, NYMajor/Year: Lollipops (concentration in blue raz), 2026
Instrument: Bass
Previously Known As: "My Trunk is Pretty Spacious", "Civilized Part of New Jersey"
Today when I walked into my CS class I saw something I dread every time I close my eyes. Someone had brought their new gaming laptop to class. The forklift he used to bring it was still running idle at the back. I started sweating as I sat down and gazed over at the 700lb beast that was his laptop. He had already reinforced his desk with steel support beams and was in the process of finding an outlet for a power cable thicker than a tree. I start shaking. I keep telling myself I'm going to be alright and that there's nothing to worry about. He somehow finds a f#cking outlet. Tears are running down my cheeks as I send my last texts to my family saying I love them. The teacher starts the lecture, and the student turns his laptop on. The colored lights on his RGB Backlit keyboard flare to life like a nuclear flash, and a deep humming fills my ears and shakes my very soul. The entire city power grid goes dark. The classroom begins to shake as the massive fans begin to spin. In mere seconds my world has gone from vibrant life, to a dark, earth shattering void where my body is getting torn apart by the 150 mph gale force winds and the 500 decibel groan of the cooling fans. As my body finally surrenders, I weep, as my school and my city go under. I f#cking hate gaming laptops.
Hometown: Your Mom's HouseMajor/Year: Thrifting, 2026
Instrument: Bass
Previously Known As: "Hey Y'all, We have Lice"
North, South, East….West? We looked everywhere in Schoellkopf for Kobe. His tenors, vacant, sat on the back hash where he once was. His harness was still warm. We all split up to search for him, trying to catch a glimpse of his shiny earrings, brightly colored hair, or hear the clinking of zippers on his thrifted leather jacket. “Kobe!” we called out, but all hope was lost. Kobe vanished in the blink of an eye. One moment we’re crabbing right forever in “Raise Your Glass,” and the next his tenors are sitting on the ground with the faint word “D I C K” written in the fog across the drums.
I wandered near the scoreboard, peering into the woods. Everything was quiet until my ears picked up on a faint humming coming from above my head. It was Kobe! He floated there in the tree canopy, arms stretched out and eyes rolled back in his head. He descended to the ground, landing in a perfect split. He seemed to come to, returning to his normal, grounded state. I never quite understood what possessed Kobe, but every now and again you’ll see empty tenors on the field and see him floating away into the woods.
Hometown: Kalokairi, GreeceMajor/Year: Gaslighting , 2027
Instrument: Bass
Mamma Mia! is an iconic film that masterfully combines ABBA’s timeless music with a sun-soaked Greek adventure, and it’s widely regarded as the reason the country of Greece saw an unprecedented boom in tourism—and ferret adoption—in the late 2000s.
The movie follows Sophie (Amanda Seyfried), a young woman about to get married who secretly invites three men from her mother Donna’s (Meryl Streep) past in hopes of discovering which one is her father. Her plan unravels amid singing, dancing, and dramatic jumps into the sea. While most viewers praise Meryl Streep’s performance as the powerhouse Donna, many don’t know she actually insisted on doing all her own stunts, including a never-before-seen scene where she wrestles a giant octopus to save Pierce Brosnan’s character.
Speaking of Brosnan, his musical performance is unforgettable—mostly because he was the first actor in history to attempt singing underwater during his audition. Though the final cut doesn’t include the submarine ballad he prepared, he still captures hearts with his heartfelt (if occasionally off-key) renditions. The filmmakers ultimately chose his raw, unfiltered takes, which fans and audiologists alike have called “bravely unconventional.”
And who can forget the show-stopping rendition of “Dancing Queen”? The filmmakers famously hired over 500 real Greek locals to join in the dancing scenes, and they’re rumored to have learned the choreography by watching the cast perform it backwards first.
The film’s emotional climax arrives when Sophie decides she doesn’t need to know who her father is—only to discover the real twist: Donna is actually a Swedish spy who infiltrated Greece years ago on a secret mission to smuggle rare ABBA vinyls. This subplot was a surprise addition by the screenwriters after a late-night karaoke session inspired an entire rewrite of the script.
In short, Mamma Mia! is a delightful, utterly realistic exploration of love, identity, and the enduring power of ABBA. A must-watch for anyone who loves musicals, travel, or octopus wrestling.
Rating: 12/10 disco balls
Hometown: Knoebels Amusement ResortMajor/Year: SimCity, 2027
Instrument: Bass
Marching Band is a Sport (You’re Just TOO AFRAID to Admit It) Marching band: the misunderstood love child of music geeks and athletes, requiring Olympic-level coordination and endurance—but sure, keep telling yourself it’s “just a hobby.” A marching band is what happens when you love music so much that you’re willing to sprint across a field while holding a giant metal object and not pass out.
Yes, in college we mostly play classic rock and sound effects on the rare occasions we score, but there’s also a competitive side where things get serious. “Did everyone halt at the same exact millisecond, or are we losing visual?” serious. Each show has a theme, and teams are judged on all aspects of their performance. While it might be played entirely independently of the other bands, at the end of the night, the side with the most points wins. Sounds kinda like… a sport, huh?
Every move? Run through. Every note? Practiced to death. Every mid-rehearsal emotional breakdown… Blood, sweat, and tears aren’t just a metaphor—we leave it all on the field (literally).
Marching band might not come with highlight reels or screaming fans, but for those of us who willingly choose this madness, there’s nowhere else we’d rather be, except maybe lying down after rehearsal wondering if our backs and legs still work.
So call us nerds—I’ll be too busy winning to hear you (and might have undiagnosed tinnitus).
Hometown: The Freaky Bus® Major/Year: Brain Rot, 2028
Instrument: Bass
No, I’m not going to apologize. Any reasonable person would’ve done exactly the same, and I’m not going to let you guys act like you’re any better than me.
I’m new around here. I thought I was supposed to be catered to. I thought you guys were supposed to care about “retention,” or whatever. But ever since we spent 6 hours waiting for burnt food because I wanted us to go to Sonic, no one takes my suggestions anymore. It was ONE bad call, and now? No Sausage Party Movie Night, No Drumline Wrestling, No Sound-On Gun Simulator App in Goldwin Smith Hall. Whatever. I can take it. But… No Matching Drumline Buzzcuts? That was the final straw.
So yes, I gave us lice. Yes, I got them from the Cornell Health vending machine before the sleepover on Saturday, and Yes, at 3:00am, I delivered a juicy, egg-laying louse to each of your sleepy heads of hair, one by one. No, I do not regret anything. I would do it again, and frankly, we’ve never looked cooler. I don’t know about y’all, but I was raised to be the change I want to see in the world. You people know nothing about community and it shows.