The Badass Bass Line
Hometown: Haavad Yard Major/Year: Pre-Law-Vet-Med-Dental, 2025
Instrument: Bass
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I, I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments, that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, 'cause
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
Yeah
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
Yeah, yeah
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep your faith, keep your faith
Whoa
Hometown: Arizona, AZMajor/Year: Monkey Business, 2025
Instrument: Bass
In a world not too different from our own, a virus swept across the planet, wiping out most of humanity. Those who survived were left to rebuild society in a world now dominated by apes.
Among the survivors was a drummer named Dom. Before the virus, Dom was a struggling musician, playing in dive bars and dreaming of making it big. But now, in this new world, his drumming skills were highly sought after.
Dom found himself playing for the apes, who had taken over the remnants of human society. The apes had a fascination with music and had built their own instruments, but they lacked the rhythmic finesse that Dom had honed over years of practice.
But not all the apes were friendly towards Dom. There were factions among them who viewed humans as inferior beings, fit only to serve the apes. Dom soon found himself caught up in a power struggle between the different ape factions, as they vied for control over the remaining humans.
Dom realized that he had a unique position in this world. His drumming skills could be used as a tool for peace or for war. In the end, Dom chose to use his music as a means of bringing the different ape factions together. He played for them, using his drumming to bridge the gap between the apes and humans. Slowly but surely, the two sides began to understand each other better, and Dom found himself at the center of a new era of understanding.
Hometown: Old NavyMajor/Year: Fashion Design, 2025
Instrument: Bass
(Verse 1)
In a world of solid hues, I stand out in the crowd,
Wrapped in patterns bold and loud, my style, oh so proud.
A canvas of colors, a symphony of design,
My collared shirt, a statement, a fashion paradigm.
(Chorus)
Patterned collared shirts, tell a tale untold,
Stripes and checks, a story to unfold.
In threads of expression, I find my delight,
Wearing patterns, turning heads left and right.
(Verse 2)
Checkered memories, like the squares upon my chest,
Polka dots of joy, a wardrobe's very best.
Floral fantasies, blooming with each step,
In a world of patterns, I find my fashion rep.
(Bridge)
Stitching together moments, in a fabric of time,
Patterns intertwined, a rhythm so sublime.
From plaid to paisley, a kaleidoscope of grace,
In my patterned shirt, I find my unique space.
(Outro)
So here I stand, in patterns well-worn,
A symphony of style, in each shirt adorned.
In the tapestry of fashion, where my story flirts,
I'll keep on rocking these patterned collared shirts.
Hometown: Washington DCMajor/Year: Seattle should have run the ball, 2025
Instrument: Bass
Previously Known As: "Orgasms Are Like Shotguns", "If I Use My Other Hand, It Doesn't Count", "“Bacon: Best Sloppy Seconds" "
Lock: "OK Guys, Huddle up! Alright, we're running Houston Right, 356 Fuzzy
Bottom Fakey Right on 2 on 2.”
Penny: "Wait Drew, what do I do?"
Lock: "Houston, Raashad. Houston is Hitch"
Penny: "Ohhhhhhhhh....what's a hitch?"
Lock: "Just run 5 yards and turn around."
Penny: "I can do that."
Lock: "Ok on 2 on....."
DK: "Just give me the damn ball, vanilla shake."
Lock: "No, and stop calling me that. It's play action."
Fant: "But I don't waaanna block!"
Lock: "Oh for...you're not blocking Noah! You're going to act like you are then go right"
Fant: "Act like I'm blocking....I can do that!"
Lock: "Ok, everyone got it? On...."
WHISTLE
Ref: "Delay of game, Number 2"
Jamal Adams: "That ain't good man, you got us a penalty"
Lock: "Thanks I got thi.....Jamal get back on the sideline, we're on offense. Ok, for f#cks sake. How about this, everyone just run around until you get open? That work? OK, Break!"
LOCK SACKED FOR 5 YARD LOSS
Lock digs the grass out of his face mask and walks back to the huddle
Lock: "What the F#CK was that, O-line?"
O-line: "You said to act like we're blocking, boss."
Lock: "I told NOAH to act like he was going to block."
Penny: "Just gimme the damn ball."
Lock: "No, it's 3rd and long. Ok, everyone. Salem Right, Y Drizzle Left, Z Snuggle."
Penny: "What do I do?"
Lock: "You know what? I don't f#cking care, Raashad."
Fant: "Just some good ole' backyard football, eh Drew?"
Lock: "Shut the f#ck up, Noah."
Hometown: Drome Corner Couch, NYMajor/Year: Lollipops (concentration in blue raz), 2026
Instrument: Bass
Previously Known As: "My Trunk is Pretty Spacious", "Civilized Part of New Jersey"
Today when I walked into my CS class I saw something I dread every time I close my eyes. Someone had brought their new gaming laptop to class. The forklift he used to bring it was still running idle at the back. I started sweating as I sat down and gazed over at the 700lb beast that was his laptop. He had already reinforced his desk with steel support beams and was in the process of finding an outlet for a power cable thicker than a tree. I start shaking. I keep telling myself I'm going to be alright and that there's nothing to worry about. He somehow finds a f#cking outlet. Tears are running down my cheeks as I send my last texts to my family saying I love them. The teacher starts the lecture, and the student turns his laptop on. The colored lights on his RGB Backlit keyboard flare to life like a nuclear flash, and a deep humming fills my ears and shakes my very soul. The entire city power grid goes dark. The classroom begins to shake as the massive fans begin to spin. In mere seconds my world has gone from vibrant life, to a dark, earth shattering void where my body is getting torn apart by the 150 mph gale force winds and the 500 decibel groan of the cooling fans. As my body finally surrenders, I weep, as my school and my city go under. I f#cking hate gaming laptops.
Hometown: The ShoreMajor/Year: Toppling the Patriarchy, 2026
Instrument: Bass
Previously Known As: "Pollen Penis"
Ladies and gentlemen,
Today, I want to take a moment to talk about something pretty important—the horseshoe crab.
These creatures have been around for an astonishing 450 million years. Just think about that for a moment. They've witnessed the rise and fall of civilizations, changing landscapes, and the incredible journey of life on Earth.
But it's not just their ancient lineage that makes them fascinating. Horseshoe crabs are like the unsung superheroes of our shores. Their unique blue blood contains a substance that's crucial for checking the safety of medical equipment and vaccines. They're like the health guardians of the marine world!
Beyond their superhero status, let's appreciate them for what they are—intriguing beings with a cool horseshoe-shaped shell and a quirky tail. Next time you spot one on the beach, take a moment to marvel at these living fossils.
So, here's to the horseshoe crab—ancient, cool, and playing a vital role in our world. Let's celebrate these awesome creatures and ensure their continued presence on our shores.
Thank you, and may the coolness of horseshoe crabs inspire us all!
Hometown: Your Mom's HouseMajor/Year: Thrifting, 2026
Instrument: Bass
Previously Known As: "Hey Y'all, We have Lice"
North, South, East….West? We looked everywhere in Schoellkopf for Kobe. His tenors, vacant, sat on the back hash where he once was. His harness was still warm. We all split up to search for him, trying to catch a glimpse of his shiny earrings, brightly colored hair, or hear the clinking of zippers on his thrifted leather jacket. “Kobe!” we called out, but all hope was lost. Kobe vanished in the blink of an eye. One moment we’re crabbing right forever in “Raise Your Glass,” and the next his tenors are sitting on the ground with the faint word “D I C K” written in the fog across the drums.
I wandered near the scoreboard, peering into the woods. Everything was quiet until my ears picked up on a faint humming coming from above my head. It was Kobe! He floated there in the tree canopy, arms stretched out and eyes rolled back in his head. He descended to the ground, landing in a perfect split. He seemed to come to, returning to his normal, grounded state. I never quite understood what possessed Kobe, but every now and again you’ll see empty tenors on the field and see him floating away into the woods.
Hometown: Kalokairi, GreeceMajor/Year: Gaslighting , 2027
Instrument: Bass
Mamma Mia! is an iconic film that masterfully combines ABBA’s timeless music with a sun-soaked Greek adventure, and it’s widely regarded as the reason the country of Greece saw an unprecedented boom in tourism—and ferret adoption—in the late 2000s.
The movie follows Sophie (Amanda Seyfried), a young woman about to get married who secretly invites three men from her mother Donna’s (Meryl Streep) past in hopes of discovering which one is her father. Her plan unravels amid singing, dancing, and dramatic jumps into the sea. While most viewers praise Meryl Streep’s performance as the powerhouse Donna, many don’t know she actually insisted on doing all her own stunts, including a never-before-seen scene where she wrestles a giant octopus to save Pierce Brosnan’s character.
Speaking of Brosnan, his musical performance is unforgettable—mostly because he was the first actor in history to attempt singing underwater during his audition. Though the final cut doesn’t include the submarine ballad he prepared, he still captures hearts with his heartfelt (if occasionally off-key) renditions. The filmmakers ultimately chose his raw, unfiltered takes, which fans and audiologists alike have called “bravely unconventional.”
And who can forget the show-stopping rendition of “Dancing Queen”? The filmmakers famously hired over 500 real Greek locals to join in the dancing scenes, and they’re rumored to have learned the choreography by watching the cast perform it backwards first.
The film’s emotional climax arrives when Sophie decides she doesn’t need to know who her father is—only to discover the real twist: Donna is actually a Swedish spy who infiltrated Greece years ago on a secret mission to smuggle rare ABBA vinyls. This subplot was a surprise addition by the screenwriters after a late-night karaoke session inspired an entire rewrite of the script.
In short, Mamma Mia! is a delightful, utterly realistic exploration of love, identity, and the enduring power of ABBA. A must-watch for anyone who loves musicals, travel, or octopus wrestling.
Rating: 12/10 disco balls
Hometown: Knoebels Amusement ResortMajor/Year: SimCity, 2027
Instrument: Bass
Marching Band is a Sport (You’re Just TOO AFRAID to Admit It) Marching band: the misunderstood love child of music geeks and athletes, requiring Olympic-level coordination and endurance—but sure, keep telling yourself it’s “just a hobby.” A marching band is what happens when you love music so much that you’re willing to sprint across a field while holding a giant metal object and not pass out.
Yes, in college we mostly play classic rock and sound effects on the rare occasions we score, but there’s also a competitive side where things get serious. “Did everyone halt at the same exact millisecond, or are we losing visual?” serious. Each show has a theme, and teams are judged on all aspects of their performance. While it might be played entirely independently of the other bands, at the end of the night, the side with the most points wins. Sounds kinda like… a sport, huh?
Every move? Run through. Every note? Practiced to death. Every mid-rehearsal emotional breakdown… Blood, sweat, and tears aren’t just a metaphor—we leave it all on the field (literally).
Marching band might not come with highlight reels or screaming fans, but for those of us who willingly choose this madness, there’s nowhere else we’d rather be, except maybe lying down after rehearsal wondering if our backs and legs still work.
So call us nerds—I’ll be too busy winning to hear you (and might have undiagnosed tinnitus).
Hometown: SkyzoneMajor/Year: Parkour, 2027
Instrument: Bass
Noah Lee, the unsuspecting bass drum virtuoso of the Big Red Marching Band, embarked on his usual journey to rehearsal, a perpetual rhythm in his step. Little did he know that today's practice would add a peculiar twist to his musical adventure.
As Noah strolled towards the band room, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was a bit off. Upon arriving to the band center, Noah found himself in a linguistic conundrum. In a plot twist worthy of a sitcom, he discovered that he could only communicate with his drumline companions in fluent Korean. English? Forgotten. Spanish? No hablo. It was as if his brain had decided to hit the language switch button at the most inconvenient moment.
Noah scratched his head, wondering if he had accidentally stumbled into a parallel universe where the lingua franca was Korean drum cadences. The rest of the drumline exchanged puzzled glances, their confusion mirroring Noah's own. Initially bewildered, the drumline soon caught on to the beat of Noah's linguistic escapade. Laughter echoed through the band room as Noah's unintentional language switch turned rehearsal into a lively cultural exchange.
Just when Noah thought his day couldn't get any stranger, Patrick yelled out “Hey Drumline, what time is it?” As the rest of the drumline yelled out “10:24”, Noah felt a linguistic shift back to English. It was as if the 10:24 had cast a magical spell, breaking the Korean drumming spell that had possessed him throughout rehearsal. Blinking in surprise, he found himself once again able to communicate with the rest of the band. Noah, with a bemused smile, shrugged off the strange occurrence and joined in the laughter. And so, with drumsticks in hand and the memory of his inadvertent language switch, Noah Lee marched on, ready to face whatever musical mysteries awaited the Big Red Marching Band.
Hometown: The Freaky Bus® Major/Year: Brain Rot, 2028
Instrument: Bass
No, I’m not going to apologize. Any reasonable person would’ve done exactly the same, and I’m not going to let you guys act like you’re any better than me.
I’m new around here. I thought I was supposed to be catered to. I thought you guys were supposed to care about “retention,” or whatever. But ever since we spent 6 hours waiting for burnt food because I wanted us to go to Sonic, no one takes my suggestions anymore. It was ONE bad call, and now? No Sausage Party Movie Night, No Drumline Wrestling, No Sound-On Gun Simulator App in Goldwin Smith Hall. Whatever. I can take it. But… No Matching Drumline Buzzcuts? That was the final straw.
So yes, I gave us lice. Yes, I got them from the Cornell Health vending machine before the sleepover on Saturday, and Yes, at 3:00am, I delivered a juicy, egg-laying louse to each of your sleepy heads of hair, one by one. No, I do not regret anything. I would do it again, and frankly, we’ve never looked cooler. I don’t know about y’all, but I was raised to be the change I want to see in the world. You people know nothing about community and it shows.
Hometown: Saturn Major/Year: Fashion, 2028
Instrument: Bass
“Oh no!” mildly ‘yelled’ Anand.
The entire base line turned to see what would cause such a commotion from our mild mannered Bass 5.
The scene they were faced with was horrific to say the least.
Jupiter, new to the bassline, was being blown away.
“SOMEONE GRAB THEM” exclaimed Bella!!!
“IT'S TOO LATE… THEIR JUST SO PETITE AND LITTLE” Jada cried!
These were the last things Jupiter heard before being sent back to their people. See Jupiter was not really being blown away due to their petite nature. But rather because as their name suggests, they were born in the cosmos and need to go home.
As they returned to the stars they thought about all the things they would miss. Making wonderful cup art, hanging out with friends, carrying bass 2. They were suddenly saddened. But a job needed to be done.
That night while leaving nasties, the basses looked up in the sky thinking about their lost friend. In the sky was a new red dot that they couldn't identify. Someone thought it was a drone, another person thought it was a star. As they fought someone from the astrological society was passing by and stepped in, explaining, “Oh, that's not a drone or a star, that’s a planet! Jupiter to be percise..”