The Badass Bass Line
Hometown: Drome Corner Couch, NYMajor/Year: Lollipops (concentration in blue raz), 2026
Instrument: Bass
Previously Known As: "Thick and Creamy Journey", "My Trunk is Pretty Spacious", "Civilized Part of New Jersey"
Today when I walked into my CS class I saw something I dread every time I close my eyes. Someone had brought their new gaming laptop to class. The forklift he used to bring it was still running idle at the back. I started sweating as I sat down and gazed over at the 700lb beast that was his laptop. He had already reinforced his desk with steel support beams and was in the process of finding an outlet for a power cable thicker than a tree. I start shaking. I keep telling myself I'm going to be alright and that there's nothing to worry about. He somehow finds a f#cking outlet. Tears are running down my cheeks as I send my last texts to my family saying I love them. The teacher starts the lecture, and the student turns his laptop on. The colored lights on his RGB Backlit keyboard flare to life like a nuclear flash, and a deep humming fills my ears and shakes my very soul. The entire city power grid goes dark. The classroom begins to shake as the massive fans begin to spin. In mere seconds my world has gone from vibrant life, to a dark, earth shattering void where my body is getting torn apart by the 150 mph gale force winds and the 500 decibel groan of the cooling fans. As my body finally surrenders, I weep, as my school and my city go under. I f#cking hate gaming laptops.
Hometown: Kalokairi, GreeceMajor/Year: Gaslighting , 2027
Instrument: Bass
Previously Known As: "All Those Holes…"
Mamma Mia! is an iconic film that masterfully combines ABBA’s timeless music with a sun-soaked Greek adventure, and it’s widely regarded as the reason the country of Greece saw an unprecedented boom in tourism—and ferret adoption—in the late 2000s.
The movie follows Sophie (Amanda Seyfried), a young woman about to get married who secretly invites three men from her mother Donna’s (Meryl Streep) past in hopes of discovering which one is her father. Her plan unravels amid singing, dancing, and dramatic jumps into the sea. While most viewers praise Meryl Streep’s performance as the powerhouse Donna, many don’t know she actually insisted on doing all her own stunts, including a never-before-seen scene where she wrestles a giant octopus to save Pierce Brosnan’s character.
Speaking of Brosnan, his musical performance is unforgettable—mostly because he was the first actor in history to attempt singing underwater during his audition. Though the final cut doesn’t include the submarine ballad he prepared, he still captures hearts with his heartfelt (if occasionally off-key) renditions. The filmmakers ultimately chose his raw, unfiltered takes, which fans and audiologists alike have called “bravely unconventional.”
And who can forget the show-stopping rendition of “Dancing Queen”? The filmmakers famously hired over 500 real Greek locals to join in the dancing scenes, and they’re rumored to have learned the choreography by watching the cast perform it backwards first.
The film’s emotional climax arrives when Sophie decides she doesn’t need to know who her father is—only to discover the real twist: Donna is actually a Swedish spy who infiltrated Greece years ago on a secret mission to smuggle rare ABBA vinyls. This subplot was a surprise addition by the screenwriters after a late-night karaoke session inspired an entire rewrite of the script.
In short, Mamma Mia! is a delightful, utterly realistic exploration of love, identity, and the enduring power of ABBA. A must-watch for anyone who loves musicals, travel, or octopus wrestling.
Rating: 12/10 disco balls
Hometown: Knoebels Amusement ResortMajor/Year: SimCity, 2027
Instrument: Bass
Previously Known As: "Sunshine is Like Crack Cocaine"
Marching Band is a Sport (You’re Just TOO AFRAID to Admit It) Marching band: the misunderstood love child of music geeks and athletes, requiring Olympic-level coordination and endurance—but sure, keep telling yourself it’s “just a hobby.” A marching band is what happens when you love music so much that you’re willing to sprint across a field while holding a giant metal object and not pass out.
Yes, in college we mostly play classic rock and sound effects on the rare occasions we score, but there’s also a competitive side where things get serious. “Did everyone halt at the same exact millisecond, or are we losing visual?” serious. Each show has a theme, and teams are judged on all aspects of their performance. While it might be played entirely independently of the other bands, at the end of the night, the side with the most points wins. Sounds kinda like… a sport, huh?
Every move? Run through. Every note? Practiced to death. Every mid-rehearsal emotional breakdown… Blood, sweat, and tears aren’t just a metaphor—we leave it all on the field (literally).
Marching band might not come with highlight reels or screaming fans, but for those of us who willingly choose this madness, there’s nowhere else we’d rather be, except maybe lying down after rehearsal wondering if our backs and legs still work.
So call us nerds—I’ll be too busy winning to hear you (and might have undiagnosed tinnitus).
Hometown: Nomadic LifestyleMajor/Year: BeReal, 2027
Instrument: Bass
We think something went wrong with the bass ritual. She was supposed to come back. That’s the whole point. That’s what we were told.
Every new bass is supposed to get their memento, do the thing, and then they’re still here, just… different. Like upgraded or whatever. That’s what we all agreed on. But she didn’t come back. We did everything right…we think.
The circle was formed. Someone had the mallet. We drew the right symbols. Someone had snacks. And she went in like normal. And then she just didn’t come out the same way.
We like to think she teleported somewhere better or she’s traveling the world. When the time is right, she’ll be there.
Hometown: The Freaky Bus® Major/Year: Brain Rot, 2028
Instrument: Bass
Previously Known As: "RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU’RE A FREAK"
No, I’m not going to apologize. Any reasonable person would’ve done exactly the same, and I’m not going to let you guys act like you’re any better than me.
I’m new around here. I thought I was supposed to be catered to. I thought you guys were supposed to care about “retention,” or whatever. But ever since we spent 6 hours waiting for burnt food because I wanted us to go to Sonic, no one takes my suggestions anymore. It was ONE bad call, and now? No Sausage Party Movie Night, No Drumline Wrestling, No Sound-On Gun Simulator App in Goldwin Smith Hall. Whatever. I can take it. But… No Matching Drumline Buzzcuts? That was the final straw.
So yes, I gave us lice. Yes, I got them from the Cornell Health vending machine before the sleepover on Saturday, and Yes, at 3:00am, I delivered a juicy, egg-laying louse to each of your sleepy heads of hair, one by one. No, I do not regret anything. I would do it again, and frankly, we’ve never looked cooler. I don’t know about y’all, but I was raised to be the change I want to see in the world. You people know nothing about community and it shows.
Hometown: WegmansMajor/Year: Grilling, 2029
Instrument: Bass
I'm excited to announce I've accepted a position as Founder & CEO of Buff Line.
Buff Line started as an idea, but it’s becoming something much more real than that. At its core, Buff Line is about standards in discipline. in strength. in showing up and doing what others won’t.
A lot of people asked why we needed Buff Line. The answer is simple: because not everyone is built for everything. Some people are built for talking about it. Some people are built for watching it happen. And some people are built for carrying it. We’re building for the last group. This isn’t about exclusion. It’s about recognition.
If you’ve ever:
-lifted something just because it was there
-fixed a problem that didn’t technically involve you
-or been told you “don’t need to help” and did it anyway
You already understand what Buff Line is. We’re still early. But the foundation is set. And I’m proud of what’s already been built.
More coming soon.
Hometown: Thai the Elephant’s Potty CornerMajor/Year: Misandry, 2029
Instrument: Bass
"Compulsory" is the opposite of "optional". "Compulsory Sciurophilia" is exactly what it sounds like - loving squirrels is something our culture tries to force on us. It affects people of every gender, but it's mostly studied as something that affects women. This is because compulsory sciurophilia easily ties in with the misogyny that causes women's sexualities, and even identities, to be defined by our relationships with squirrels.
Women are taught from a VERY early age that liking squirrels is our job. We're supposed to sing lively soprano melodies to attract woodland creatures, leave out seeds so that squirrels will take us more seriously, we're supposed to want a squirrel's love more than anything else.
So... what happens if you're not attracted to squirrels at all? What if you DON'T want squirrels making nests in the walls of your porch? What if you'd prefer to take those little squirrels, bag them up, tape them against the exhaust pipe, turn on that ignition, and deliver their fluffy little corpses to a hungry friend?
Squirrel-hater is not a dirty word. Ladies, do not settle for squirrels if you don't think you can ever be truly happy ending up with one. Being a squirrel-hater is healing. I hope you can do some soul searching and figure out your consciousness.