The Fighting Snare Line
Hometown: Kansas City, KSMajor/Year: Discord, 2026
Instrument: Snare
Previously Known As: "Hit Me Harder", "Big Red Dildo"
As a Cornell student who hates the Big Red Drumline, my POV is that they are loud, obnoxious, and disruptive. Every time they come marching through campus, they disrupt the peace and quiet of the library, making it impossible to study or concentrate. And don't even get me started on their halftime performances at football games. They're supposed to be entertaining, but they're just cringe-worthy.
I don't understand why people are so enamored with them. It's not like they're actually good at playing music or anything. They just make a lot of noise and wear silly uniforms. And the worst part is that they seem to think they're the center of the universe. They're always hogging the spotlight and trying to draw attention to themselves.
I wish they would just go away and leave us alone. We're trying to get an education here, not listen to a bunch of amateurs banging on instruments.
Major/Year: Male Lactation, 2026
Instrument: Snare
When the Vegans took over the state of Connecticut and purged the population of its carnivorous sinners, they let the Vegetarians stay. They had tried hard enough, I guess. Among them was Grippers, a 6'3 seed-oil-loving soy boy who missed his family, of course, but was excited to have easier access to chicken-less nuggets nonetheless.
Grippers was barely three days orphaned when he felt the itch. He had been meat-free for many moons, but this was the longest he had gone without milk in... well, ever. None of the creamy white liquids that Big Plantmilk pushed out could satiate his thirst for pure, raw, unadulterated, lactose. His bones felt weak. His world started to spin. Then, in a milk-craven haze, he smelled it.
284 miles away, in the town of Ithaca NY, a game of rage cage with a breast milk bitch cup was being assembled. He didn't think. He barely even got off the ground before starting to run on all fours directly Northwest. He didn't stop running, not even for a second.
Here's to Grippers, here's to Grippers, here's to Grippers, he's with us tonight. He's happy, he's jolly, he's drinking from the teat of the Drumline. Here's to Grippers, he's calcium sufficient tonight.
Hometown: West Reading, PAMajor/Year: Horizontal Studies (Tori’s Version), 2026
Instrument: Snare
Previously Known As: " In the Dark, Clean, and Horizontal"
Drumline (in the style of “August” by Taylor Swift (Long Pond Version)) (Tori’s Version)
Drum beats, and the rhythm in our core
I never needed anything more
Echoes of "Are you sure?"
"Never have I ever before"
But I can see us lost in the rhythm,
Drumline slipped away into a moment in time,
'Cause it was never mine,
And I can see us tangled in drumsticks,
Drumline drummed away like a rhythm divine,
'Cause you were never mine
The drums beneath the lights
Wishing I could play a song on them
Will you call when you’re at rehearsals?
I remember asking for a ride
But I can see us lost in the rhythm,
Drumline slipped away into a moment in time,
'Cause it was never mine,
And I can see us tangled in drumsticks,
Drumline drummed away like a rhythm divine,
'Cause you were never mine
Back when we were still marching for the better,
Playing was enough,
For me, it was enough,
To live for the rhythm of it all,
Cancel plans just in case you'd call,
And say, "Come to the band center,"
So much for playing snare and saying “us” [tori + snare = ❣]
'Cause you weren't mine to lose
You weren't mine to lose, no
But I can see us lost in the rhythm,
Drumline slipped away into a moment in time,
'Cause it was never mine,
And I can see us tangled in drumsticks,
Drumline drummed away like a rhythm divine,
'Cause you were never mine
But do you remember?
Remember when you pulled up and said, "Get in the car"
And then canceled my plans just in case you'd call?
Back when I was livin' for the rhythm of it all, for the rhythm of it all
"Meet me at the band center"
Remember when you pulled up and said, "Get in the car"
And then canceled my plans just in case you'd call?
Back when I was livin' for the rhythm of it all (for the rhythm of it all)
For the rhythm of it all
For the rhythm of it all
(For the rhythm of it all)
(For the rhythm of it all)
Hometown: HogwartsMajor/Year: Feminist and Gender Studies, 2027
Instrument: Snare
Previously Known As: "White Girl Shit"
AITA for Not Liking Doja Cat?
So, I (17 M) found myself in a musical showdown recently and let it slip that Doja Cat's tunes aren't exactly my cup of tea. Now, I'm wondering if I've stirred up more drama than necessary.
In the midst of a heated music chat, I casually dropped that Doja Cat's style doesn't hit the right notes for me. Well, let's just say it was met with some raised eyebrows and a hint of shade.
My friends, the devout Doja fans they are, weren't having it. They argued that I might be missing out on the whole vibe, claiming she's a musical goddess. While I respect their love for her, I can't help but think, isn't music all about personal taste?
Looking back, I'm wondering if I could have added a sprinkle of diplomacy to my opinion. Is it possible I rained on their Doja Cat parade a little too hard?
So, Reddit, AITA for not hopping on the Doja Cat bandwagon? I'm open to considering if there's a sassier yet classier way to drop my musical truth bombs without ruffling too many feathers.
Hometown: Las VegasMajor/Year: Gambling, 2027
Instrument: Snare
Damn. I'm so hungee.
My tummy is a rumblin’
Mouth craves something more
Whole salads consumed
Among the crowd, I dance free
Crouton cravings thrive
Amidst greens, they rest
Harvesting the bready gems
Savoring each bite
Crispy bread pieces
Throw away all the lettuce
My heart feels so full
Crunchy morsels dance.
Croutons waltz on taste buds’ stage.
I am full of joy.
Hometown: the chip aisle at Walmart Major/Year: Poetry, 2028
Instrument: Snare
Beneath a spreading chestnut tree, the Cornell smithy stands. The smith, a mighty man is he, with large and sinewy hands.
Beneath that clocktower scaffolding, this budding Frenchman sways. Birds in the trees, flowers and the bees, he befits these golden days.
Beneath the daffodils of spring, the smithy's comrades lie. They live, they laugh, they learn, they listen. 'Round him, they're never shy.
Beneath that loving wing of his, within his inner sphere, He's the best damn smith you'll ever meet. He's bright, kind, and sincere.
Hometown: Rochelle’s HouseMajor/Year: Choreographed Dance, 2028
Instrument: Snare
Hey guys! I thought I would share this recipe with you: It’s one of my favorites! I make it pretty often when I come over to hang out, and people are always asking, so here it is! Share it with your family!
Kir’s Famous Cucumber Salad!
- 6 Persian Cucumbers, chilled and thinly sliced
- 4 Tablespoons Low Sodium Soy Sauce
- 3 Teaspoons Sprite (boiled)
- 4 Tablespoons Toasted Sesame Oil
- 2.5g Placenta (It’s ok if it’s not human — use whatever you have on hand! :))*
- 2 Teaspoons MSG
- 1-2 Garlic Cloves, minced
- 2 Teaspoons Blood of The Innocent (It’s honestly been hard to find since the national blood shortage, so I just ask Anand if he has any scabs for me to pick, and that usually does the trick!)
- 1 Tablespoon Rice Vinegar
- 2x2 inch piece of paper with your first and last name written in red ink (set aflame in a silver bowl, ashes collected and mixed with Avocado Oil to form a Thick and Viscous Black Paste.)
- 3x3 inch piece of paper with MY name (Kir Kraus) written with a paintbrush using the Paste from the previous step (shredded into small but sharp pieces using your finest blades.)
- Sesame Seeds
- Splash of Gurt
- Love
Combine all of the ingredients in a Tupperware, put the lid on, and shake! You can leave it in the fridge to marinate for a couple hours too, it really gets the flavors incorporated deeeep into those cukes. Don’t leave it uncovered too long though, we don’t want that Fresh blood oxidizing on us! I hope you try my recipe soon — It’s Life-Changing! Share it with your family!
*Recipe is no longer Vegan if using a substitute for Genuine Human Meat*