The Marauding Mallet Line
Major/Year: Science of Earth Systems, 2020
Previously Known As: "MAAHHHM!", "I LIKE ANAL BETTER"
"According to all known laws of percussion, there is no way Elena should be able to play mallets. Her arms are too small to get the bells sufficiently off the ground. Elena, of course, plays anyway because she doesn't care what gravity thinks is impossible.”
Major/Year: Piracy, 2022
Previously Known As: "Coochrubber"
Having failed my life’s dream of becoming recognized as the premier Egyptian belly dancer in the delta region of Chiapas Mexico, I was destined to seek out fame and fortune as a professional toe bowler in the UK. As luck would have it, an improper drilling of my newly acquired “Earl Anthony” silver metal flake 12lb 3oz bowling ball would result in a failed disconnection from my right toe (mid competition), resulting in extreme damage to my complete lower appendage! Sadly I will never bowl again. With a right toe now nearly 5” long I would limp back home partially deflated… Being the bounce back type gal that I am, a third venture in a more sustainable field “stateside” was in order. This time my sights were clear! I was poised to become the Hot Chocolate Queen of Death Valley, California. The venture would place me in the dry heat that my skin so desperately needed. With a population of only 79, competition would be all but nonexistent! I would pull a customer base from people en-route to the roadside stand of Señor Hector’s Organic Ghost Pepper Seeds located on Seldom Way. For some crazy reason that I’ll never know, the business was extremely slow to get off the ground? With first quarter results not as impressive as what I had hoped, and then not getting the second quarter spike I had counted on, I was out. My love of music would prevail, and magically lift my spirits with a vision of grandeur! I would play bells in the Cornell Big Red Marching Band for the 2017 season! Unfortunately, it would require me wasting my time on engineering classes at the University for precious hours that could be spent honing my craft, but you have to take the good with the bad. Regardless, here I am Cornell! May you be the stepping stone which lands me at the Lutz Elementary Talent Show of 2020.