The Marauding Mallet Line
Hometown: HahhhRvAhhhrD YahhhRd, MAMajor/Year: Long walks on the beach, 2024
Instrument: Mallets
Previously Known As: ""Snitches get Bitches"", ""Mom's spaghetti""
Meet our newest contestant on the Petachler (The bigger, better version of the Bachelor):
Peter Nathaniel Bell
Peter, 20, is a CS major who may seem like a tough guy on the outside, but really, he’s just a giant teddy bear. He is a former college athlete and no stranger to competition. He is looking for a woman who can take charge and isn't opposed to wearing matching crop tops to all the parties. Does that sound like anyone you know? Peter is an ice cream fanatic and would love nothing more than to go to the Dairy Bar with the girl of his dreams. He swears he is not terrified of spiders, but I’m not sure if we can believe that. All in all, what's not to love?
Hometown: Amish Country, PAMajor/Year: Sporcle, 2025
Instrument: Mallets
Previously Known As: ""Grippers"", "“Murder Not Monologue”"
You humans move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer on this planet, you are a plague.
Hometown: Anywhere but NJMajor/Year: Landscaping, 2025
Instrument: Mallets
Previously Known As: "
In the heart of the eastern seaboard,
Lies a state that's often adored,
A land of cities and countryside,
Where the Jersey Shore meets the tide.
To the east lies the famous Atlantic City,
Where casinos and boardwalks reign,
A place where fortunes can be won or lost,
And memories are made, regardless of cost.
Heading north, we reach the Meadowlands,
A sprawling expanse of fields and parks,
Where sports fans gather to cheer and shout,
And the Giants and Jets compete without doubt.
And so we bid adieu to this state so dear,
A place that's full of life and cheer,
New Jersey, a land of endless possibilities,
A state that's dear to our hearts and memories.
Hometown: Beaver Stadium, PAMajor/Year: Law and Order, 2025
Instrument: Mallets
The lawyer takes a deep breath and begins to speak to the client.
"Listen, I understand that you like your umbrella hat, but you cannot wear it in the courtroom. It's not appropriate attire and it can actually be seen as disrespectful to the judge and the entire legal system."
The client looks disappointed and asks, "But why not? It's just a harmless accessory."
The lawyer replies, "I understand that it may seem harmless to you, but it can actually distract from the seriousness of the proceedings. You want to make a good impression on the judge and the jury, and wearing an umbrella hat is not the way to do that. I recommend that you dress professionally and conservatively for your court appearance."
The client nods reluctantly and says, "Okay, I guess I'll leave my umbrella hat at home."
The lawyer smiles and says, "That's a wise decision. Now let's focus on your case and how we can best represent you in court."
Hometown: Hog Mountain Major/Year: Clash Royale, 2026
Instrument: Mallets
Previously Known As: "Chalk-Blocked"
is it bad that I've started to think about mega knight in completely normal irl situations?
there was an old lady walking with her grandkids at the store and it kinda reminded me of the witch with her skeletons. in my head i was just thinking how satisfying it would be if i dropped an mk to instakill all those skellys and take care of the witch after. is this normal or should i get help?
Hometown: South JerseyMajor/Year: Slaying, 2027
Instrument: Mallets
Yo yo yo whats up dudebro im alex and im so straight bro like i kiss the homies good night but like thats what you do bro
You’re cold becuz you dont drink hot water…. you should drink hot water.… why would you put cold water in a hot body 🤨🤨
ງiงē ๓ē plคຖt. i. ຖēē໓. ๓໐rē. plคຖt. 👹👹👹
“(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ i thought i came but i peed on the dick ♥” → Cupcakke is a lyrical genius 🤩
YOU DON’T MOISTURIZE 🤯😲😨😧😵😮😱
AliyahCore today, tomorrow, yesterday, and forever……….. periodtttt 💅💅💅
I like balls 🥜…. tea ball ☕…. wyn ball 🍇….. boba balls🧋
You know, she ate…. she ate…. i guuuuuuess _(._.)_/
Hometown: Everytown, Everywhere, All at OnceMajor/Year: Upside Down Horseback Riding, 2027
Instrument: Mallets
FILE: 6151513
Username: Agent18
Password: F@$T€@T
Code name: The Blue Streak
During the 2nd great battle of Missoula Montana, the US suffered a catastrophic loss as the Dabadeedabadai’s defeated and captured Boomy the Cat. He was fast, very fast. One could say he was a very fast cat. But he was not fast enough, and as the little guys living in a blue world captured him with their blue ray, he exclaimed to a saddened world “If I were green, I would die”.
But then, when it seemed all but lost, like a neon blue god, nay, prismarine titan emerged. With a sonic boom, a beam of hope zoomed through the city, leaving aether streaks of deep blue glitter in its wake. The Dabadeedabadai’s in their blue corvettes stood no chance against the speed of the entity they had awoken from it’s deep slumber. All at one instant: War. In the next: peace. As the entirety of the Dabadeedabadai’s and their blue corvettes were reduced to ash, Agent 223 attempted to engage the speedster before it disappeared into the horizon.
After 2 months, we believe we have successfully deciphered its response.
“Your simple mind wonders how am I so fast? Easy. I’m a Hurry. Jordyn Hurry”