The Marauding Mallet Line

Hometown: Hog Mountain
Major/Year: Clash Royale, 2026
Instrument: Mallets
Previously Known As: "That's It. Give Me Your Rectum", "Raging UTI", "Chalk-Blocked"

is it bad that I've started to think about mega knight in completely normal irl situations?

there was an old lady walking with her grandkids at the store and it kinda reminded me of the witch with her skeletons. in my head i was just thinking how satisfying it would be if i dropped an mk to instakill all those skellys and take care of the witch after. is this normal or should i get help?

Hometown: South Jersey
Major/Year: Slaying, 2027
Instrument: Mallets
Previously Known As: "She's Loose And Then She's Tight", "A Little Fun, A Little Wet"

Yo yo yo whats up dudebro im alex and im so straight bro like i kiss the homies good night but like thats what you do bro

You’re cold becuz you dont drink hot water…. you should drink hot water.… why would you put cold water in a hot body 🤨🤨

ງiงē ๓ē plคຖt. i. ຖēē໓. ๓໐rē. plคຖt. 👹👹👹

“(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ i thought i came but i peed on the dick ♥” → Cupcakke is a lyrical genius 🤩

YOU DON’T MOISTURIZE 🤯😲😨😧😵😮😱

AliyahCore today, tomorrow, yesterday, and forever……….. periodtttt 💅💅💅

I like balls 🥜…. tea ball ☕…. wyn ball 🍇….. boba balls🧋

You know, she ate…. she ate…. i guuuuuuess _(._.)_/

Hometown: The Backrooms of Baker
Major/Year: Wasp Negotiation, 2027
Instrument: Mallets

And on the seventh day she found Flat Rock. And the bells formed a holy circle and began their chanting. She looked upon the congregation and said, "This is happening." And it was. The birds fell silent, the squirrels paused their earthly affairs, and all who bore witness understood that history had divided itself into Before and After. And the land hath never fully recovered.

Blessed are those who did not bear witness, for they shall know peace. But cursed are those who did, for every telling of the story groweth stranger than the last.

Hometown: Everytown, Everywhere, All at Once
Major/Year: Upside Down Horseback Riding, 2027
Instrument: Mallets
Previously Known As: "When You're Lonely, G-Spot Only", "Asexual Conversion, Am I Right?"

FILE: 6151513
Username: Agent18
Password: F@$T€@T

Code name: The Blue Streak

During the 2nd great battle of Missoula Montana, the US suffered a catastrophic loss as the Dabadeedabadai’s defeated and captured Boomy the Cat. He was fast, very fast. One could say he was a very fast cat. But he was not fast enough, and as the little guys living in a blue world captured him with their blue ray, he exclaimed to a saddened world “If I were green, I would die”.

But then, when it seemed all but lost, like a neon blue god, nay, prismarine titan emerged. With a sonic boom, a beam of hope zoomed through the city, leaving aether streaks of deep blue glitter in its wake. The Dabadeedabadai’s in their blue corvettes stood no chance against the speed of the entity they had awoken from it’s deep slumber. All at one instant: War. In the next: peace. As the entirety of the Dabadeedabadai’s and their blue corvettes were reduced to ash, Agent 223 attempted to engage the speedster before it disappeared into the horizon.

After 2 months, we believe we have successfully deciphered its response.

“Your simple mind wonders how am I so fast? Easy. I’m a Hurry. Jordyn Hurry”

Hometown: ICGEB
Major/Year: Synchronized Swimming, 2028
Instrument: Mallets
Previously Known As: "A Little Irish Boy Eating Spoiled Potato"

The first time we walked into the band room, excited to join the drumline, everything smelled faintly like deodorant and rust. The bell players, huddled for warmth around an on-fire pile of scrap metal they called their “harnesses”, turned to face us.

“A new bell!” one said chipperly, as another began to label a shelf with stick tape and sharpie. “WAIT,” one chimed in, eyes gleaming with mischief. “What if, instead of James, we call you… jame? Singular. Like, just one jame.” There was laughter and nods of approval. “Jame it is!” they declared triumphantly. We opened our mouth — well actually, that’s not entirely accur— but it was too late. The verdict was decided. We were Jame now. Singular. Compact. Uncomplicated.

Which, of course, couldn’t be further from the truth.

The reality is that we are not just one Jame. There are many James, operating in tandem as a decentralized team. Many bodies, but one singular mind. We just lost a Jame a couple weeks back in a devastating underwater basket-weaving accident. The rest of us spent a week mourning in solidarity. You’re probably wondering how we manage social interactions. Well, we don’t. We have each other. Plus, it would just complicate things. The second you make a “friend,” they start asking you stupid questions like “why are you doing laundry every day?” or “how can one person possibly be going through THAT much body lotion?” Yeah, no thanks. Way easier to just grunt back apathetically when people say “hi james!” to us.

But NOW? We’ve been reduced to Jame. Singular. Simplified for everyone else’s convenience. Respectfully, we can’t wait for these mfers to graduate.

Hometown: Thneedville
Major/Year: F1 Racing, 2028
Instrument: Mallets

So one thing you should know about Kira is that she really likes collecting books with fancy covers. You know, sprayed edges, gold foil, embossed lettering, all that stuff. But over time we realized Kira doesn't actually collect books.

She speaks for them. She's their chosen ambassador to humanity. She's the book Lorax.

The first red flag was when someone called a special edition hardcover "overpriced." Kira immediately turned around and said, "Actually, she's trying her best." She. The book was a she. Apparently, every book has its own personality, opinions, hopes, dreams, and preferred shelf position and Kira knows all of them.

Each one gets turned exactly forty-five degrees toward the window every morning so the gold foil catches the light evenly across the cover, because according to Kira, "everyone deserves a chance to see outside." The leather ones are conditioned biweekly with a balm she will not name the ingredients of. She just says "it's a blend" and looks away. And you definitely can't buy a pretty book just because it's pretty since that's objectification.

If I see her one day standing on a stump giving a speech about habitat loss among hardcovers, I’m going to be on the right side.