The Marauding Mallet Line
Major/Year: Chemical Engineering, 2019
Previously Known As: "Woof", "Drink With Your Merry Men(tm)"
Welcome to the next season of Alaskan Bush People:
My name is Alex Wong, though my family calls me Moose. I live in the Alaskan wilderness with my parents, Janet and Marty, and my 12 siblings: Noah, Jeremiah, Dale, Suziella, Sahra, Joanathan, Nancy, Rain, Dale II, Snowbird, Bearpiss, and Reptar. I’m the go-getter of the group. If a log cabin needs building or a bear needs wrangling, I’m the one to call. I picked up basic animal tracking at the age of 2, and ended up crawling into a wolf den. The wolves attempted to eat me, but I was saved by a group of bears who had mistaken me for one of their cubs. When the bears later realized their mistake, they too attempted to eat me, but I was saved by a herd of Moosen. The herd took me in even though I was different, and raised me for several years (which is the origin of my name).
Well that’s all the time I have to write a bio. I need to go fortify the cabin against beaver attacks. I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for my family and me in the Alaskan bush.
Major/Year: English, 2019
Previously Known As: "Can I Eat It?"
Hello! I hail from the Central Valley of California, an agrarian society that "feeds the world," but is also known for high crime rates, high teen pregnancy rates, some of the worst air quality in the United States, and a fantastic ice cream parlor. I began playing piano in the first grade, and continued I playing all throughout elementary school, middle school, and high school. There was a time long ago when I also played the violin, but that was during a dull, dull time, in a dull, dull place. My favorite percussion instruments to play are the marimba and the timpani; in high school, I had a marimba named Shelly and timpani named Ping, Ding, Pong, and Dong. The other percussion instruments had names too, like Flaco the flexatone, but most of the other names have been lost to time.
I like bunnies. And popcorn. And dragons. And the color blue. And narwhals. And I don't know how to use chopsticks. And, um, that's it.
Major/Year: Biological Sciences, 2019
Previously Known As: "RA Matthew Lin is On Call", "Matthew Lin is the General"
YEAR ONE "Matthew Lin Has a Nickname" The mysterious figure that is "The General" hails from the isolated, free-thinking town of Ithaca. After completing a revolutionary captaincy on the Cross Country Team and the Track and Field Team, The General took the next step in his "Thousand-mile Journey," and travelled across the land, searching far and wide for a learning center that would offer a marine biology concentration. Finally, The General found his "Middle Kingdom" at the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences, a place that would reeducate him in the ways of the living world. While he is aware of the magic, madness, heaven, and sin that will come with joining the big red army of percussionists, he is ready to get down to business, and have some fun. YEAR TWO "Matthew Lin Is The General" YEAR THREE "RA Matthew Lin Has a Conflict" In August of 2016, "The General" was suddenly hired to be a residential advisor for Risley Hall. The General was enthralled to accept such an esteemed and powerful position, becoming a leader of The Castle, the oldest barracks at Cornell. However, as the semester progressed, The General realized that he had left his home behind, the warm wonderful world of the Big Red Band. He became so busy, that he is updating his biography an entire year late! Nowadays he guest-stars at events, dropping by sporadically but still enjoying the best camaraderie his has ever found at Cornell. He will continue modelling the welcoming and proficiency of his foremother, and of course, writing in third person. While pulled in several directions, and perhaps diverging more and more, he always will remember that true friends are silver and gold (and red!).
Major/Year: Science of Earth Systems, 2020
Previously Known As: "MAAHHHM!", "I LIKE ANAL BETTER"
"According to all known laws of percussion, there is no way Elena should be able to play mallets. Her arms are too small to get the bells sufficiently off the ground. Elena, of course, plays anyway because she doesn't care what gravity thinks is impossible.”
Major/Year: Lederhosen Modeling, 2020
Hallo! Ich heiße Hans, und ich komme aus den süden Inseln. Wenn Sie den Film ,,Frozen” gesehen hätten, würden Sie mein Name kennen. Ich bin kein Prinz aber ich bin noch ein Schlechter wie Hans von ,,Frozen.” In meinem Land, Deutschland, haben wir viele Brezeln und Würste, spezifisch in Bayern. Ich weiß nicht, wo Leute den Sinn erfassen daß Deutschland viel Bier hat aber das ist nicht richtig. Es gibt kein Bier in Deutschland; es gibt nur Milch. Ich freue mich an dem amerikanische Universitäterlebnis und ich freue mich an Glockenspiel zu spielen mit Drumline.
Major/Year: Piracy, 2021
Previously Known As: "Coochrubber"
Having failed my life’s dream of becoming recognized as the premier Egyptian belly dancer in the delta region of Chiapas Mexico, I was destined to seek out fame and fortune as a professional toe bowler in the UK. As luck would have it, an improper drilling of my newly acquired “Earl Anthony” silver metal flake 12lb 3oz bowling ball would result in a failed disconnection from my right toe (mid competition), resulting in extreme damage to my complete lower appendage! Sadly I will never bowl again. With a right toe now nearly 5” long I would limp back home partially deflated… Being the bounce back type gal that I am, a third venture in a more sustainable field “stateside” was in order. This time my sights were clear! I was poised to become the Hot Chocolate Queen of Death Valley, California. The venture would place me in the dry heat that my skin so desperately needed. With a population of only 79, competition would be all but nonexistent! I would pull a customer base from people en-route to the roadside stand of Señor Hector’s Organic Ghost Pepper Seeds located on Seldom Way. For some crazy reason that I’ll never know, the business was extremely slow to get off the ground? With first quarter results not as impressive as what I had hoped, and then not getting the second quarter spike I had counted on, I was out. My love of music would prevail, and magically lift my spirits with a vision of grandeur! I would play bells in the Cornell Big Red Marching Band for the 2017 season! Unfortunately, it would require me wasting my time on engineering classes at the University for precious hours that could be spent honing my craft, but you have to take the good with the bad. Regardless, here I am Cornell! May you be the stepping stone which lands me at the Lutz Elementary Talent Show of 2020.