The Marauding Mallet Line

Hometown: Floral Park, NY
Major/Year: Science of Earth Systems, 2020
Instrument: Mallets
Previously Known As: "I'M UNCOMFY", "MAAHHHM!", "I LIKE ANAL BETTER"
"According to all known laws of percussion, there is no way Elena should be able to play mallets. Her arms are too small to get the bells sufficiently off the ground. Elena, of course, plays anyway because she doesn't care what gravity thinks is impossible.”


Hometown: Middle-Of-Nowhere, Florida
Major/Year: Piracy, 2022
Instrument: Mallets
Previously Known As: "Queen Of Trash", "Coochrubber"
Having failed my life’s dream of becoming recognized as the premier Egyptian belly dancer in the delta region of Chiapas Mexico, I was destined to seek out fame and fortune as a professional toe bowler in the UK. As luck would have it, an improper drilling of my newly acquired “Earl Anthony” silver metal flake 12lb 3oz bowling ball would result in a failed disconnection from my right toe (mid competition), resulting in extreme damage to my complete lower appendage! Sadly I will never bowl again. With a right toe now nearly 5” long I would limp back home partially deflated…

Being the bounce back type gal that I am, a third venture in a more sustainable field “stateside” was in order. This time my sights were clear! I was poised to become the Hot Chocolate Queen of Death Valley, California. The venture would place me in the dry heat that my skin so desperately needed. With a population of only 79, competition would be all but nonexistent! I would pull a customer base from people en-route to the roadside stand of Señor Hector’s Organic Ghost Pepper Seeds located on Seldom Way. For some crazy reason that I’ll never know, the business was extremely slow to get off the ground? With first quarter results not as impressive as what I had hoped, and then not getting the second quarter spike I had counted on, I was out.

My love of music would prevail, and magically lift my spirits with a vision of grandeur! I would play bells in the Cornell Big Red Marching Band for the 2017 season! Unfortunately, it would require me wasting my time on engineering classes at the University for precious hours that could be spent honing my craft, but you have to take the good with the bad. Regardless, here I am Cornell! May you be the stepping stone which lands me at the Lutz Elementary Talent Show of 2020.


Hometown: Vestal, NY
Major/Year: Interdimensional Travel, 2023
Instrument: Mallets
ABUELITA: NO MUSIC!!!
*Terrified, the musicians stumble as they run away.*
Maya: I think we're the only family in VESTAL, NY who hates music...
*We see the Hardi family tinkering in the shoe shop, no music to be heard. Maya jogs past them.*
Maya: And my family's fine with that...
*She grabs her shine box, and heads out of the shoe shop.*
Maya: But me?
MAMÁ: Be back by lunch, mijo!
Maya: Love you, Mamá!
* Once outside, Maya makes her way through the small town of Ithaca, NY*
Maya:I am NOT like the rest of my family...
*She passes a woman sweeping a stoop. *
WOMAN: Hola, Maya!
Maya: Hola!
*She passes a band of musicians playing a tune. Maya joins with some air guitar and the further down the street she goes, the more instruments and sounds layer in. The bells of the church chime in harmony, a radio blares a cumbia rhythm. Running past a food stand, Maya grabs a roll of pan dulce and tosses the vendor a coin.*
Maya: Muchas gracias!
STREET VENDOR: De nada, Maya!
*As Maya passes all these scenes, the music synthesizes and she can't help but tap out rhythms along a table of alebrijes. The fantastical wooden animal sculptures each play a different tone like a marimba(bc mallet instruments). Maya finishes with a SMACK*
Maya: I know I'm not supposed to love The Drumline -- but it's not my fault!It's his: BTS...
*Maya approaches a statue of a handsome mariachi at the heart of the plaza.*
Maya: ...The greatest band of all time.

CUT TO:
CLIPS of BTS: playing as a young group in the plaza, serenading bystanders in a train car...
Maya: They started out a total nobody from Asia, like me. But when they played music, they made people fall in love with them.
*MORE CLIPS from BTS's films. They leap from a tree branch onto a galloping horse. They play their signature skull guitar with flourish and flair.*
Maya: They starred in movies. They had the coolest guitar... They could fly!
*A CLIP features BTS dressed as a hovering priest, held up by strings, in front of a cycling sky flat.*
Maya: And they wrote the best songs! But my all-time favorite? It's-- *A CLIP of BTS performing in a fancy nightclub.*


Hometown: Nutley, New Jersey
Major/Year: Soliloquizing, 2023
Instrument: Mallets
The instrument less played

Two instruments I found quite good
And sorry I could not play both
And be one drummer, long I stood
And thought it through hard as I could
Before I made that final oath

I took the bells, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better sound
Then the sharp and racketous snare;
Though as for that some drummers swear
Of them the latter is more renowned,

At auditions I gave both a whack
And for bells swore I had a knack.
Oh, I kept the drum for another day!
Yet having but four short years to play
I doubt if I should ever switch back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two instruments lay there, and I-
I chose the bells to glorify,
And that has made all the difference