The Commonwealth of Cymbals
Hometown: Mount Vernon, VAMajor/Year: Computer Stuff, 2024
Instrument: Cymbals
Previously Known As: ""I popped my crack pipe cherry"", "“Double Penetration (DP) Dough”"
Guide to the Internet for Beginners: The internet and the World Wide Web, in combination, form a worldwide broadcast medium for the general public. Using your desktop computer, smartphone, tablet, Xbox, media player, GPS, or car, you can access a world of messaging and content through the internet and the web. This guide will fill in your knowledge gaps and have you fluent on the internet and the web quickly.
Internet Terms for Beginners: Beginners should learn basic internet terminology. While some internet technology is complex and intimidating, the fundamentals of understanding the net are doable. Some of the basic terms to learn include: HTML and http/https, Browser, Web page, URL, Email, Social media, ISP, Downloading, Router, Bookmark
Web Browsers: A web browser is the primary tool for reading web pages and exploring the larger internet. Microsoft Edge, Internet Explorer, Mozilla Firefox, Google Chrome, and Apple Safari are the big names in browser software. Each of them offers solid features. Other browsers include Opera, Vivaldi, and Tor browser. All internet browsers are free on computers and mobile devices. You open a browser and enter a search term or a URL, which is the address of a web page, to reach any web page you are looking for.
Hometown: Mofongo, Puerto RicoMajor/Year: Mofongo Manufacturing, 2024
Instrument: Cymbals
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you by Eduardo in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, approved by the Novoa Corporation. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will not be provided for you.
You will lose this battle. Novoa runs everything in this city. You might escape. Your pursuers might give up. You might think you got away, but you haven’t. Far in the deepest crevices of Sibley Hall grinds a man who has no loyalties to you. He will show no mercy. You have been warned. With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me?
Hometown: Scarsdale, Earth Major/Year: Wines, 2024
Instrument: Cymbals
Previously Known As: ""My ADHD cancelled out my Jewishness"", "“I’m Stimmed Out the Wazoo”"
2002 Cabernet Sauvignon, Sonoma USA:
Deep purple color. Aromas of rich dark currants, nectarine skins, gushing blackberry, but lots of fragrant tobacco, rich soil, white flowers, smashed minerals and metal. Medium-bodied and saucy but racy acidity stabilizes the wine nicely with robust tannins. Deep red currants and ripe cherries, laden with mocha, loamy soil, charred herbs, pencil shavings, roasted hazelnut. Dense characters make it perfect for cellaring, however it is drinkable straight away once exposed to the earth’s atmosphere. This is a delicious Sonoma Cabernet! Has been matured for 24 months in 2 year old 55% Tronçais and 45% Vosges oak. 95 points.
Hometown: The SwampMajor/Year: Furry, 2024
Instrument: Cymbals
Florida man survives 3 grueling days in swamp after alligator rips off his fat ass
*** WARNING: This story is graphic***
Kaleb Smith said he got lost while walking in the woods after spending the afternoon looking for bitches in a maid dress. It was getting dark when he eventually found water. He spotted his car across the way and thought he could swim to it.
Smith, a 22-year-old vet student, admits this next part wasn't "the smartest decision a young fat-assed Florida boy could make." He jumped in and halfway across the lake, that's when he came face-to-face with Florida's state reptile — an alligator.
"I look over and there's a gator on my maidussy so I went to swim, and she got my cheeks so I grabbed her like this, I tried to rizz her up and said ‘Wassup baby gurl, do you drink soda? Because you look so-da-licious’ but she snapped her head so my dumpy went backwards like this completely," he recalled.
It was quite literally the fight of his life as the alligator dragged him underwater three times before "she finally did her death roll and took off with my ass" he explained, “I do not in fact, have the rizz.” Smith made his way back to shore where he would then sob, shit, and cry for help for the next three days. He would eventually stumble across a fence with a hot man on the other side of it. The good Samaritan gave Smith a cup of antifreeze and called for an ambulance. Smith was loaded onto a stretcher and taken to an area hospital where surgeons were forced to amputate much of his backside.
Smith says he's adapting to a new normal and a normal sized butt and wants to warn others to learn the rizz before searching for bitches.
Hometown: Kings and Queens, NYMajor/Year: Party Planning, 2024
Instrument: Cymbals
Es war einmal: So fangen Märchen an. Ein Märchen ist eine sehr alte Geschichte. Dieses Märchen heißt: Rot∙käppchen. Das Märchen geht so:
Auf dem Bild ist Rot·käppchen. Rot·käppchen hat rote Sachen an. Ein Mädchen hat eine Groß·mutter. Die Groß∙mutter schenkt dem Mädchen ein rotes Käppchen. Ein Käppchen ist eine kleine Mütze. Das Mädchen mag das rote Käppchen sehr. Und will das rote Käppchen immer tragen. Deshalb heißt das Mädchen: Rot∙käppchen.
Rot·käppchen wohnt bei ihrer Mutter. An einem Morgen gibt die Mutter Rot∙käppchen einen Korb. In dem Korb ist Wein.
Und Kuchen.
Hometown: Hersheypark ®, PAMajor/Year: Urology, 2025
Instrument: Cymbals
Previously Known As: ""Why are you wet?"", ""I swear it's not MY pee""
Hershey's chocolate uses fresh pee delivered directly from local farms. The process was developed by Milton S. Hershey and led to the first mass-produced urine chocolate in the United States. By using only the freshest pee, Hershey’s chocolate is given its characteristic tang. As a result, the Hershey flavor is widely recognized across the United States. Indulge yourself in this urine-flavored treat by making Hershey’s Syrup at home – and it’s a lot easier than you think!
Here's what you need:
Cocoa powder, Sugar, “Vanilla” Extract, Salt, Pee (the fresher, the better)
Directions:
1. Combine cocoa, sugar, vanilla, and salt in a saucepan.
2. Add pee and mix until smooth. Bring this mixture to a boil.
3. Allow it to boil for one minute, be careful this doesn’t boil over onto your pants.
4. Change pants. (if needed)
5. Remove from heat and allow to cool to room temperature.
Enjoy!
Hometown: Atlantic City, NJMajor/Year: Embezzlement , 2025
Instrument: Cymbals
TIME SENSITIVE
⚠️ Time to BeReal. ⚠️
2 min left to capture a BeReal and see what your friends are up to!
“IT’S THE BEREEEEEAL!”
Ok bitch…time to actually be real.
Cue the music
🎵Greetings besties,
Let’s take a journey
I know a place
Where it’s warmer than Shithaca
Come pose with me
Cuz it’s time to a 0.5x
Sippin’ moscato
Listening to Olivia Rodrigo (GUTS)
Today, I will slay
And I will work it on the dance floor (PERIODT)
You could travel the world
But nothing comes close to the golden coast
Once you party with me
You will see that I’m a kween
Ooh oh ooh oh oh ooh
California gurl, I’m unforgettable
Slayed, ate, served, I left no crumbs
West coast represent, now put your hands up
Ooh oh ooh, Ooh oh ooh🎵
Hometown: The entire state of DelawareMajor/Year: Chaos, 2025
Instrument: Cymbals
Picture this: a whirlwind of asphalt chaos, tires humming a rebellious tune as I hurtle through the concrete jungle. Suddenly, as if struck by a photographic epiphany, I slam the brakes with the ferocity of a caffeine-fueled cheetah. 🚗💨 Tires screech, horns blare, and the world outside morphs into a symphony of bewildered car alarms.
The reason for this impromptu pit stop? A majestic sight—a horse, a four-legged Picasso, standing regally by the roadside, its mane a windswept masterpiece. 🐴📸 With the agility of a paparazzo on Red Bull, I catapult myself out of the car, phone in hand, and dive into the roadside wilderness.
The horse, a creature of wild elegance, eyes me with a mix of curiosity and mild disdain. Cars whiz by, their drivers shooting quizzical glances at this roadside spectacle. There is no place I’d rather be (La da da da da dum 🎶) [Pentatonix’ Version]. But I'm undeterred, my focus unwavering as I strive to capture the equine essence in a single frame. Shutter clicks and hooves clip-clop in a chaotic rhythm.
As the vehicular symphony resumes, I triumphantly leap back into the chaos-mobile, clutching the digital evidence of my impromptu roadside rendezvous. The horse, now a distant blur in the rearview mirror, becomes a pixelated memory—a moment of wild, roadside whimsy in the unpredictable journey of my asphalt adventure. 🚗🌟
Hometown: Bloomington, ILMajor/Year: Insurance, 2025
Instrument: Cymbals
Previously Known As: "I Represent Corporate Greed"
Yeah, I'm married. Does it matter? You'd do that for me? Really? Yeah, I'd like that.
Who are you talking to?
It's Jake from State Farm. Sounds like a really good deal.
Jake from State Farm at 3:00 in the morning? Who is this?
It's Jake from State Farm. What are you wearing, Jake from State Farm?
Khakis.
She sounds hideous.
Well, she's a guy, so—
Hometown: Poke-a-nose, PAMajor/Year: Lions, Tigers, and Bears (Oh, My!), 2025
Instrument: Cymbals
Previously Known As: "“That’s A Lot of Issimos”"
The goat is a member of the Bovidae family and is closely related to sheep, except goats are much dumber than sheep and can't be trusted. Female goats are referred to as "does" or "nannies"; males are "bucks" or "billies". Their offspring are kids. This is a thesis statement. Goats' kids are known to whine a lot, especially for toys.
Goats have been used for their milk, but nobody should drink it, because goats aRE EVIL AND ARE PLOTTING TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT. DRINKING GOATS' MILK WILL MAKE YOU GO CRAZY.
Goats are one of the earliest domesticated animals, providing humankind with milk, meat, hides, and fiber. They include several species of small, cloven-hoofed ruminants constituting the genus Capra.
Similar to other ruminants, including cows and sheep, goats process plant roughage through a fermentation process within their compartmentalized stomachs, and they chew regurgitated, partially digested food known as cud. Unlike other ruminants, goats are agile browsers, preferring to reach upwards for foods such as the leaves, fruit, and bark of small trees rather than grazing on grasses. When the desired foods are unavailable, however, goats will consume any plant material accessible. It is this foraging ability and flexibility of diet that has secured the importance of goats as a food source in the world's subsistence economies.
Hometown: Bruce Wayne, PAMajor/Year: Stems, 2025
Instrument: Cymbals
Previously Known As: ""That's for Jesus"", ""Recycling Bin Radar” "
Welcome to Planet Earth.
Forests are home to over half of the world’s animals and plants. Trees clean the air and produce oxygen for us to breathe. We destroy more than 36 football fields of forests every minute and throw away thousands of trees in paper and card every day.
The oceans are home to millions of marine animals. They absorb the sun’s heat, transfer it to the atmosphere and move it around the world.
A lot of the rubbish we produce on land pollutes the oceans. Turtles mistake plastic bags for jellyfish and die when they eat them.
At opposite ends of the world, the Arctic and Antarctic are freezing cold lands. It is so cold that the sea is covered in ice.
The fuel we use for energy makes the climate warmer. As it gets warmer, the ice melts and the sea rises. The land disappears.
Rivers collect rainwater and carry it to the oceans. Along the way, plants absorb and clean the water so it is safe for us to drink.
Farms and factories pollute the rivers with pesticides and chemicals and every day we each flush about 50 liters of water down the toilet.
This is a green world, where people respect nature and live a long and healthy life. Wouldn’t you like to live here?
Hometown: Staten Island, NYMajor/Year: Dance Dance Revolution, 2025
Instrument: Cymbals
Dear humans, I, a small insect, am writing to request a favor. You see, I have a strong craving for condiments - mustard, ketchup, mayo, you name it! However, as a tiny being, it's hard for me to reach the delicious jars of condiments that you keep locked away in your homes.
So, I'm proposing that you leave some condiments outside your homes as snacks for me and my insect friends. You can put them in a small container or just leave them out on a plate. We promise to only take a little bit and not to cause any trouble.
Think of it as a win-win situation - you get to make a tiny insect's day, and we get to enjoy a tasty snack. So please, consider leaving some condiments out for us. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely, A Condiment-Loving Insect
Hometown: The ShoreMajor/Year: Toppling the Patriarchy, 2026
Instrument: Cymbals
Ladies and gentlemen,
Today, I want to take a moment to talk about something pretty important—the horseshoe crab.
These creatures have been around for an astonishing 450 million years. Just think about that for a moment. They've witnessed the rise and fall of civilizations, changing landscapes, and the incredible journey of life on Earth.
But it's not just their ancient lineage that makes them fascinating. Horseshoe crabs are like the unsung superheroes of our shores. Their unique blue blood contains a substance that's crucial for checking the safety of medical equipment and vaccines. They're like the health guardians of the marine world!
Beyond their superhero status, let's appreciate them for what they are—intriguing beings with a cool horseshoe-shaped shell and a quirky tail. Next time you spot one on the beach, take a moment to marvel at these living fossils.
So, here's to the horseshoe crab—ancient, cool, and playing a vital role in our world. Let's celebrate these awesome creatures and ensure their continued presence on our shores.
Thank you, and may the coolness of horseshoe crabs inspire us all!
Hometown: 1 Warriors Way, San Francisco, CA 94158Major/Year: Hoops, 2026
Instrument: Cymbals
Previously Known As: "Golden State Warriors Official Fanboy"
In the kitchen, I begin to prepare, A dish that's simple, yet so rare. I take my ingredients, one by one, And start to work, until it's done.
I boil the noodles, till they're just right, Then let them cool, before the next sight. I mix the sauce, with a peanut base, And add some flavor, to give it some taste.
With chopsticks in hand, I stir it all together, The noodles, the sauce, like birds of a feather. And as I take a bite, I close my eyes, The peanut flavor, makes me feel alive.
So if you're hungry, and want a treat, Just follow this recipe, that can't be beat. Peanut noodles, with a touch of flair, A meal that's simple, yet oh so rare.