The Commonwealth of Cymbals
Major/Year: Underwater Basket Weaving, 2019
Previously Known As: "Mmm, Yum"
Once upon a time, I had a friend named Michael. He was my best friend since we were little, but I always sorta had a crush on him. I was never bold enough to tell him how I really felt. We used to go to movies and our hands would brush as we both reached for popcorn. I would pull my hand away and blush, but he never noticed in the dark theater. But as the years went on, we started to drift apart, and by the time we were in high school, we rarely saw each other anymore.
Sophomore year, I sat behind Michael in chemistry lab during third period on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I was excited to be in a class with him, and hoped that we would be lab partners. It would have been so awesome to spend time with him like when we were kids. But when it came time to pick partners, he didn’t notice me sitting behind him, and he ended up working with some girl named Jean. He spent the semester working and laughing with her and I sat behind them all along, thinking about how that could have been me. :/
By the time Junior year came around, Michael and Jean were extremely close. They were inseparable during school, and I could only imagine how often they spent time together outside of class. I tried to let go of my feelings for him, but something about seeing them together just drove me insane. Around the beginning of June, I reached my breaking point, and I couldn’t stand it any longer.
On June 9th, I drove to Michael’s house to tell him how I truly felt about him, and how his relationship with Jean was tearing me apart. I parked on the street at the end of his driveway and took a moment to collect myself. I had planned out every detail of the conversation, gone over it again and again, and I was ready to finally get it all off my chest.
I walked up his driveway, knocked on his door, and instantly strayed from the plan.
“What’s wrong with you?” I shouted, not realizing how angry with him I had been. “You spent your entire childhood with me and it meant nothing to you!”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. We’re still friends, we just don’t hang out that often anymore.”
“No, we don’t, because you’re too busy hanging out with Jean!”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that… uh…” I started to stumble for words. I hadn’t prepared for such a direct confrontation, and I was suddenly overcome by a wave of nerves. This was it. I was going to finally tell Michael how I really felt.
“Michael,” I started, “I can’t stand how you spend so much time with Jean. I know that you like, and that you maybe even like-like her, but I just wanted you to know that I have feelings for you, and that I always have.”
Michael paused for a moment, and then said “Billie, Jean is not my lover.”
Major/Year: Engineering, 2019
Previously Known As: "This Is My 4th Rehearsal", "Read My Memoir"
Hey guysssss!!! I’m, like, super excited to be playing cymbals in the drumline, almost as excited as I am that it’s finally time for PSLs at Starbucks! PSL is bae. But if the barista spells my name with a K one more time… OMG, I literally can’t! Anyway, I can’t wait to play drums with you guys and take lots of selfies and watch Netflix with all of you because you’re, like, legit my besties, although I am really worried about getting pieces of Showlcough stuck in my Uggs.
Major/Year: Tech Buzzword, 2019
I forced a bot to read 1000 drumline bios and then asked it to write a drumline bio of its own. Here is the first page:
Greetings to persons in a position of reading. I hail from a small, sprawling hometown of just several uniquely terrible individuals. Among them I was exemplary in all infinite aspects except when not. My adventure through high school leads to odd outcome of being in this place of drumline. Very unexpected, as I have neither drummed nor lined previous to this. But now, I am drumline and do all things. I have reached my destination of Cornell and begun my learning of upsetting noises. The band was joined to enhance unnecessary experiences as a prolonging measure. It is important to me that music happens. I hope to make many musics happen during these subsequent years!
GO LARGE RED, drat!
Major/Year: Computer Science, 2020
Previously Known As: "Mans is HOT", "Tried So Hard"
Hello friends, enemies, mutual acquaintances, and random strangers reading this page!Thank you for taking the time to learn some more about the super swaggy cymbal line! (Got that alliteration all up in there yo)
So, some stuff about me. My first name apparently means “dark.” After I was born, the sun didn’t shine in my hometown for thirteen days (Fun fact: I am not making this up). I’m not saying that I’m the bringer of the apocalypse, but…Actually, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Be warned.
For now, though, I prefer destroying eardrums to destroying galaxies. Starting from my humble beginnings as an oboist, I have since graduated to playing the stupendously sonorous cymbals (or, as they are officially called, “Trash Can Lids with Style”). In the drumline, I make every attempt to amuse my fellows with a combination of epic lame puns, obscure references, and a sense of humor which tends to be about as subtle as my instrument.
Major/Year: Woodworking, 2020
Previously Known As: "Funkin' in the Bunk", "That's a Sin!"
It is made of smooth, cool cedar wood. You can still smell the scent of the sturdy tree that lent its flesh to the creation of this most beautiful device. It reminds you of the great forests of your homeland. A fresh perfectly applied coat of subdued yellow calms you. It's like the warm glow of sunshine though the large delicate pedals of sunflowers. The front is ground down to the most perfect point. Beautifully symmetrical, and sharper than the blade of the knife of the best chef in the Northern Hemisphere. The back is just soft enough to be gentle, but is tough enough to do real work. The ideal balance, really. It has that perfect hexagonal body that a honeycomb could only dream of. It has sophistication in its simplicity. It has majesty in its versatility.
It is the most perfect object in my possession.
Be jealous fools.
Major/Year: ILR, 2021
“Hi Mom! How are you?”
“Just calling to check in with you!”
Lifting the Chorus
“Aw thanks, that’s so sweet!”
“Doing well on your prelims?”
Eye… of… the… TIGERRRRR!!!!!!!
“I’m not failing yet!”
“Well, how is your social life?”
Three Short! Three Long?? SHORT!
“I made lots of friends
In the Big Red Marching Band!”
Screw BU is up!
“That’s wonderful, Cam!
It sounds like you’re having fun.”
Give me an “I”! “I”!
“Yup, I love it here;
College life is fantastic!”
One! Two! One Two Three-
“Okay I’ll let you
Go back to your studying.”
“Okay Mom! Love you!”
“Love you too Cam! See you soon!”
Emerald Eyes WOO!
Finally I can
Get back to cheering on the
Defense. LET’S GO RED!!!!!!!
Major/Year: Thaumaturgy, 2021
Previously Known As: "Wore It Better"
Hey. Hey you. What’re you lookin’ at? You tryna start something? The correct answer is no, you aren’t. You can’t mess with me. You can’t even BEGIN to mess with me. Oh, you want proof? Just look at my hair LOOK AT IT I SAID. You think that’s dyed? Huh? You do? Well you are DEAD. FKING. WRONG. That there is pure MAGIC. Like Tonks from Harry Potter, except more BADASS. I am a GLORIOUS UNICORN GIVEN HUMAN FORM, so don’t even try to... YEAH YOU BETTER RUN AWAY! COWER BEFORE ME, PUNY MORTALS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Major/Year: Pimpin', 2021
Previously Known As: "The Muffin Man"
Waddup, drumline? Ya'll don't know this yet, but I'm the granddaddy Swag Master Flex. There's never been a party I didn't start. Go ahead, you can check, but don't expect me to wait around while you waste my time. There are good times to have, fools to hustle, and copious amounts of drugs for me to report to the police because drugs are bad.
Major/Year: Interspecies Communication, 2021
Do you know why they call me Joy? Perhaps you think it is because I am joyful. Or a “joy” to be around (ha ha). This is FALSE. My name doesn’t come from the english word “joy,” but is instead an anglicized pronunciation of the word j’rrroi’l, from the ancient language of the cats. It is not a name. It is not an adjective. It is a title, one commanding great honor and power. One won through trials of stealth, wisdom, and combat. No two beings can keep the title at once; it is a unique and rare mark of greatness. While there is no direct translation, bearing this name marks me as something akin to a supreme ruler. Of course, this doesn’t really mean much since cats don’t obey anyone. But you’d do well to think twice before messing with J’rrroi’l, Ruler of the Cats.
Major/Year: Underwater Basket Weaving, 2021
Previously Known As: "What's an RT?"
Alright it’s time for some football who’s excited IM EXCITED! GOOOOOOO REEEEEED (dammit)! Alright everyone let’s give a big cheer CHEER LOUDER DAMMIT! that’s more like it good job ROUGH EM UP ROUGH EM UP GO C.U.! Ok cool the game is starting we’re off to a good start- ok, never mind, we’re off to an ok start- … Well, we’re certainly off to a start of some sort… I guess… and there’s no way we can mess this up, right guys, so- WHAT WAS THAT?! WHOM’ST’VE APPROVED THAT PLAY?!!!!!! I have half a mind to go down there and- ALRIGHT, THAT’S IT. Time for an intervention. Hold my cymbals, I’m gonna show these fools how to play some football!
Major/Year: Materials Science Engineering,, 2021
Previously Known As: "With Every Ding Comes A Dong"
There was once a boy whose last name was Ding. Every day he would come to school only to be mocked for his last name. The kids at school would say "Ding, what kind of name is that? What are you a clocktower?" The boy continued to endure this abuse until one day he snapped. He climbed to the top of the nearest clocktower and jumped off, to the dismay of all of those watching. However, when he landed, no one could find where he had landed. Until one astute observer discovered the boy's outline traced out onto into the stone. The reaction from the crowd ranged from shock to wonder. Some people yelled in disbelief. Others simply moved on with their lives, acting like the boy named Ding had never existed. And of all the reactions, one stood out the most. It was the voice of an elderly professor, who in his wonder at the magical event simply exclaimed: "That's a-stone-ding"
Major/Year: Throwing, 2022
What’s my story? Well, you might already know. But I never thought I would have joined the Big Red Drumline quite like this.
I didn’t grow up like the rest of you kids, I grew up doing something...different. Ever since I was five and I saw my first inanimate object, I have loved to throw things. I like to throw balls, sticks, shade, down, and everything else in between. I once threw an entire thing at a similar thing that was twice the first thing’s size. Wylddddd.
When I was 7 I heard the first person respond to my thing throwing. My best friend Lily said, “hey, maybe don’t throw that thing at me,” to which I responded with a quick throw of a tear down my face. This changed everything. I had to stop hurting the people I loved with my enthusiasm for tossing
I dyed my hair blonde, got blonder highlights, and felt the rush of my first performance. What I wanted, no, NEEDed, to throw was my VOICE! I picked up that microphone and made the best of both of my favorite activities. (Redemption arc?)
So why did I join drumline? I was afraid of who I am. But TODAY I am not afraid anymore. TODAY I will tell everyone the truth.
I am Hannah Montana y’all.
Major/Year: Sowing Confusion, 2022
Bio coming soon to a drumline website near you!