The Commonwealth of Cymbals
Hometown: Mofongo, Puerto RicoMajor/Year: Mofongo Manufacturing, 2024
Instrument: Cymbals
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you by Eduardo in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, approved by the Novoa Corporation. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will not be provided for you.
You will lose this battle. Novoa runs everything in this city. You might escape. Your pursuers might give up. You might think you got away, but you haven’t. Far in the deepest crevices of Sibley Hall grinds a man who has no loyalties to you. He will show no mercy. You have been warned. With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me?
Hometown: Hersheypark ®, PAMajor/Year: Urology, 2025
Instrument: Cymbals
Previously Known As: ""Why are you wet?"", ""I swear it's not MY pee""
Hershey's chocolate uses fresh pee delivered directly from local farms. The process was developed by Milton S. Hershey and led to the first mass-produced urine chocolate in the United States. By using only the freshest pee, Hershey’s chocolate is given its characteristic tang. As a result, the Hershey flavor is widely recognized across the United States. Indulge yourself in this urine-flavored treat by making Hershey’s Syrup at home – and it’s a lot easier than you think!
Here's what you need:
Cocoa powder, Sugar, “Vanilla” Extract, Salt, Pee (the fresher, the better)
Directions:
1. Combine cocoa, sugar, vanilla, and salt in a saucepan.
2. Add pee and mix until smooth. Bring this mixture to a boil.
3. Allow it to boil for one minute, be careful this doesn’t boil over onto your pants.
4. Change pants. (if needed)
5. Remove from heat and allow to cool to room temperature.
Enjoy!
Hometown: Atlantic City, NJMajor/Year: Embezzlement , 2025
Instrument: Cymbals
TIME SENSITIVE
⚠️ Time to BeReal. ⚠️
2 min left to capture a BeReal and see what your friends are up to!
“IT’S THE BEREEEEEAL!”
Ok bitch…time to actually be real.
Cue the music
🎵Greetings besties,
Let’s take a journey
I know a place
Where it’s warmer than Shithaca
Come pose with me
Cuz it’s time to a 0.5x
Sippin’ moscato
Listening to Olivia Rodrigo (GUTS)
Today, I will slay
And I will work it on the dance floor (PERIODT)
You could travel the world
But nothing comes close to the golden coast
Once you party with me
You will see that I’m a kween
Ooh oh ooh oh oh ooh
California gurl, I’m unforgettable
Slayed, ate, served, I left no crumbs
West coast represent, now put your hands up
Ooh oh ooh, Ooh oh ooh🎵
Hometown: The entire state of DelawareMajor/Year: Chaos, 2025
Instrument: Cymbals
Picture this: a whirlwind of asphalt chaos, tires humming a rebellious tune as I hurtle through the concrete jungle. Suddenly, as if struck by a photographic epiphany, I slam the brakes with the ferocity of a caffeine-fueled cheetah. 🚗💨 Tires screech, horns blare, and the world outside morphs into a symphony of bewildered car alarms.
The reason for this impromptu pit stop? A majestic sight—a horse, a four-legged Picasso, standing regally by the roadside, its mane a windswept masterpiece. 🐴📸 With the agility of a paparazzo on Red Bull, I catapult myself out of the car, phone in hand, and dive into the roadside wilderness.
The horse, a creature of wild elegance, eyes me with a mix of curiosity and mild disdain. Cars whiz by, their drivers shooting quizzical glances at this roadside spectacle. There is no place I’d rather be (La da da da da dum 🎶) [Pentatonix’ Version]. But I'm undeterred, my focus unwavering as I strive to capture the equine essence in a single frame. Shutter clicks and hooves clip-clop in a chaotic rhythm.
As the vehicular symphony resumes, I triumphantly leap back into the chaos-mobile, clutching the digital evidence of my impromptu roadside rendezvous. The horse, now a distant blur in the rearview mirror, becomes a pixelated memory—a moment of wild, roadside whimsy in the unpredictable journey of my asphalt adventure. 🚗🌟
Hometown: Bloomington, ILMajor/Year: Insurance, 2025
Instrument: Cymbals
Previously Known As: "I Represent Corporate Greed"
Yeah, I'm married. Does it matter? You'd do that for me? Really? Yeah, I'd like that.
Who are you talking to?
It's Jake from State Farm. Sounds like a really good deal.
Jake from State Farm at 3:00 in the morning? Who is this?
It's Jake from State Farm. What are you wearing, Jake from State Farm?
Khakis.
She sounds hideous.
Well, she's a guy, so—
Hometown: Poke-a-nose, PAMajor/Year: Lions, Tigers, and Bears (Oh, My!), 2025
Instrument: Cymbals
Previously Known As: "“That’s A Lot of Issimos”"
The goat is a member of the Bovidae family and is closely related to sheep, except goats are much dumber than sheep and can't be trusted. Female goats are referred to as "does" or "nannies"; males are "bucks" or "billies". Their offspring are kids. This is a thesis statement. Goats' kids are known to whine a lot, especially for toys.
Goats have been used for their milk, but nobody should drink it, because goats aRE EVIL AND ARE PLOTTING TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT. DRINKING GOATS' MILK WILL MAKE YOU GO CRAZY.
Goats are one of the earliest domesticated animals, providing humankind with milk, meat, hides, and fiber. They include several species of small, cloven-hoofed ruminants constituting the genus Capra.
Similar to other ruminants, including cows and sheep, goats process plant roughage through a fermentation process within their compartmentalized stomachs, and they chew regurgitated, partially digested food known as cud. Unlike other ruminants, goats are agile browsers, preferring to reach upwards for foods such as the leaves, fruit, and bark of small trees rather than grazing on grasses. When the desired foods are unavailable, however, goats will consume any plant material accessible. It is this foraging ability and flexibility of diet that has secured the importance of goats as a food source in the world's subsistence economies.
Hometown: Bruce Wayne, PAMajor/Year: Stems, 2025
Instrument: Cymbals
Previously Known As: ""That's for Jesus"", ""Recycling Bin Radar” "
Welcome to Planet Earth.
Forests are home to over half of the world’s animals and plants. Trees clean the air and produce oxygen for us to breathe. We destroy more than 36 football fields of forests every minute and throw away thousands of trees in paper and card every day.
The oceans are home to millions of marine animals. They absorb the sun’s heat, transfer it to the atmosphere and move it around the world.
A lot of the rubbish we produce on land pollutes the oceans. Turtles mistake plastic bags for jellyfish and die when they eat them.
At opposite ends of the world, the Arctic and Antarctic are freezing cold lands. It is so cold that the sea is covered in ice.
The fuel we use for energy makes the climate warmer. As it gets warmer, the ice melts and the sea rises. The land disappears.
Rivers collect rainwater and carry it to the oceans. Along the way, plants absorb and clean the water so it is safe for us to drink.
Farms and factories pollute the rivers with pesticides and chemicals and every day we each flush about 50 liters of water down the toilet.
This is a green world, where people respect nature and live a long and healthy life. Wouldn’t you like to live here?
Hometown: Staten Island, NYMajor/Year: Dance Dance Revolution, 2025
Instrument: Cymbals
Dear humans, I, a small insect, am writing to request a favor. You see, I have a strong craving for condiments - mustard, ketchup, mayo, you name it! However, as a tiny being, it's hard for me to reach the delicious jars of condiments that you keep locked away in your homes.
So, I'm proposing that you leave some condiments outside your homes as snacks for me and my insect friends. You can put them in a small container or just leave them out on a plate. We promise to only take a little bit and not to cause any trouble.
Think of it as a win-win situation - you get to make a tiny insect's day, and we get to enjoy a tasty snack. So please, consider leaving some condiments out for us. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely, A Condiment-Loving Insect
Hometown: The ShoreMajor/Year: Toppling the Patriarchy, 2026
Instrument: Cymbals
Ladies and gentlemen,
Today, I want to take a moment to talk about something pretty important—the horseshoe crab.
These creatures have been around for an astonishing 450 million years. Just think about that for a moment. They've witnessed the rise and fall of civilizations, changing landscapes, and the incredible journey of life on Earth.
But it's not just their ancient lineage that makes them fascinating. Horseshoe crabs are like the unsung superheroes of our shores. Their unique blue blood contains a substance that's crucial for checking the safety of medical equipment and vaccines. They're like the health guardians of the marine world!
Beyond their superhero status, let's appreciate them for what they are—intriguing beings with a cool horseshoe-shaped shell and a quirky tail. Next time you spot one on the beach, take a moment to marvel at these living fossils.
So, here's to the horseshoe crab—ancient, cool, and playing a vital role in our world. Let's celebrate these awesome creatures and ensure their continued presence on our shores.
Thank you, and may the coolness of horseshoe crabs inspire us all!
Hometown: 1 Warriors Way, San Francisco, CA 94158Major/Year: Hoops, 2026
Instrument: Cymbals
Previously Known As: "Golden State Warriors Official Fanboy"
In the kitchen, I begin to prepare, A dish that's simple, yet so rare. I take my ingredients, one by one, And start to work, until it's done.
I boil the noodles, till they're just right, Then let them cool, before the next sight. I mix the sauce, with a peanut base, And add some flavor, to give it some taste.
With chopsticks in hand, I stir it all together, The noodles, the sauce, like birds of a feather. And as I take a bite, I close my eyes, The peanut flavor, makes me feel alive.
So if you're hungry, and want a treat, Just follow this recipe, that can't be beat. Peanut noodles, with a touch of flair, A meal that's simple, yet oh so rare.